The last weeks of school are here, just as I finished eating all the left over thanksgiving food. Finals start in about 2 weeks or so, leading to winter break.
Another school semester soon to end. New classes, and registration woes everyone. Me, I am just waiting for my reimbursement money to get direct deposited into my account. *laughs*
Today I had a fun fun happy turkey day. We had a table with plenty to eat, and boy did everyone eat. We did't really touch the turkey, but everyone just dug in on Grandma's Delish Chicken. She always makes it for the holiday season, and we are all happy for it.
We laughed, and enjoyed the food. Fun times, and then, some Mario Kart. we couldn't do much else being full and all.
I am happy dee dappy today.
I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving wherever they happen to be.
*leading from post "Outside"*
I can pick up the phone, but I have noone to call. I could if I wanted to call some people, and we would probably hang out, but I get all self conciously stupid. IF they call me, I probably would just blow them off. Not because I don't want to do whatever, but because I need to get things in line.
I crave going out, yet I avoid it like the plague. I thirst for life, and then close the faucet.
It's a double lock. I don't call people, and avoid doing things if they call. I go to movies sometimes, that's because sis invites, and I really want to see the movie. Otherwise, naw, what's the point of going to the movies. I play Mario Kart Double Dash, and Mario Party 5, sometimes when sis bf comes over, and housemate, and his gf are here. I keep things too close to home. Most things I seem to do are family related, at home, or tasks.
I feel drab, and often think I will act amazingly stupid if I go out. What do I wear, my closet is shrinking, and I don't have the money to renew it.
I fear saying the wrong thing, and people disliking me. I don't know why, it bugs me so. I am the 5th wheel. I can't fix it without dealing with my insecurities. I am capable of doing stuff, and know that.
When I go do stuff, it's fun, and things are fine. Yet, day seems to end up with me somewhere feeling lonelly. It's something that happens because I let it. I withdraw a bit, and just sit aside.
It's funny, I am the only person that can fix this. If someone where to call me at this moment, things would just go through the motions. I would end up at 0 again. It would be nice if other people could fix this flaw. They can't, and there is no amount of good will, and friendliness that will get things to be nice and peachy. Life is just very weird, and sometimes I hate it. Well, not hate it in evil way. Just dislike how things flow if I let them.
Slowly, I drift.
I don't wish to.
Where I go?
Somewhere Blank.
That's how I feel.
I feel Blank.
Empty.
I wish.
I really wish.
I want to move on.
I don't want Blank.
I am getting there.
I miss life.
Yet, I live life.
I'm Blank.
Dull Blank.
Flat Blank.
Sane, yes.
Blank, that too.
Yeah, it's weird.
I dunno.
I move on.
I'm getting things right.
Gotta Plan.
Gotta get UnBlank.
Get the substance back.
Give life meaning.
That's good.
Indeed good.
I shall see.
I've been there.
I'm here now.
I'm clearing the Blank.
That's the way to go...
Life. Indeed Life. Shall be happy, and filled with joy again. I am happy, but I am blank. I am missing my spice of life, my drive. I am trying to find my spark again. I have it in my, and I know that. That's why I am happy, but the feeling of Blankness encases you. It shadows life. It's dready, but not sad. Things are fine, and that is the standard answer. Everything is just fine, but is fine any good? Fine is just a reflection of being Blank. I don't hurt, I am healthy, nothing bad is happening. I am just Blank. I'm gonna stop right here, thigs can just drag on. Hell, just let it drag on I say. It's my blog, and I write if I want to, write if I want, Write if I want to. You would write too, if it happend to you. *heh* Yeah, this entry lost it's purpose aftert that little music trip.
I shall write back some more, later.
Gaw, I've been in a down mood latelly. My blog has reflected that in many ways. Things are going well, but things are just not in place. When I can't get things organized, and set a framework to get things straight my life falls into this weird limbo. Nothing seems to progress, and all I want to do gets stuck in mid-air.
Right now I feel outside of things. That would sum things out decently. I really don't want to deal with things right now. I know I have stuff I need to do, but everything is besides me. It also extends to my social life, as I have said before. Everyone has their own clickes, and groups, and I just am around. I don't really belong to any of them. I fall in an outside category. I exist, I am there, but I really don't server a group purpose. I don't go out and have fun. I don't have people to call up and ask to come over. I usually dread people coming over, that cuts into my sheer laziness. I am usually doing nothing, or just lounging. I usually go to my room, and everyone leaves me alone.
Yet, I accomplish 0 overall. I have a bookbag I don't study from. I have this fast computer which serves as a music box that can browse the net. I have erasable boards, and notepad that stay blank, or have messages from 3 weeks ago. Albeit, some of that stuff on the board is amusing, but none useful. My brain wonders arond aimlessly, in a trip to nowhere.
I really would like to shake of this total mood of Blah. It would be rather nice to do so. Granted, I usually seem happy, and smile, yet, that's just my normal state. It's a blank glee. I am concent with the dullness of everything. People still make me laugh, and things amuse me. Although, things just go slowly flat. I still smile, since, that's about all that I can do. Time passes, and I just wonder where it's all going. I still live, and I do things necessary for life to go on.
I function in just a list of simple tasks. I go do this, then that, than that other thing.
Wake up, take shower, drive to work, take care of stuff I have to do, do something in my infinite task list of reports, eat (sometimes don't eat), chat with people at work, do closing duties, go home, manage to stay awake way more then needed, get little sleep. Repeat. This time, add school. With school, the only difference, is that I take notes, also eat, and hang out at Rampway office.
Everyday, and every night. Things get into a dreary routine. Food makes me happy. It keeps things varied. Things repeat again, and again. My mood doesn't get better this way.
I think about going out and doign stuff, doing something with people I know. Then, thinking pattern kicks in. Going out costs money, I don't have enought money for that. I flash so many bills that need to be payed though my head. I worry about how things are going to go. I decide not to go out, and it's dull again... *Continuing in another post*
Ok, so here we go again, with my slight obsession of losing weight and getting fit. Soon, I will be starting "The Slim Down Project - Second Try." Yeah, that's because the first time I did it, I was so disorganized, nothing ever came of it. This time I am pretty sure I can bring myself to do it. Hopefully it will have a happy outcome, and I will be able to yammer about it in my blogs.
I am already starting to get things ready for it. Cutting down on this and that, and soon I will no longer be able to eat out, and have my diet scheduled. The project will run in a really weird time frame since I am do to go to Brazil in the middle of December. I am still wondering how that all is going to go along. Once I am in that country, I am allowed to eat all my favorite things that I have not touched for about 9 years now. I will munch and munch until I can't munch any longer. It's something that I need to get outta my system, or better yet into my system. The good thing that offsets that, is that the amount of walking, and doing physical stuff in general will be much higher in Brazil. It's not so easy to be a lazy sloth over there. Also I will not be sitting at a computer or stopping anytime. We are going to be all over the place while in there. Travelling, and walking along many places.
Anywho, back to the project. I am again on the planning stages of it, but now that I already ran the project once, things will be easier to bring together. I will have a link to the webpage up soon. Hehehe, fighting my sugar cravings is so darn hard. Yesterday I stared a bit at the candy machine at work. I knew I wanted to eat something, but stayed away from it. I had just eaten, and I still craved sweet sweet sugar.
Only time will tell how things go, in the meatime, live goes on.
Ehh, it's that time of the year where I slowly fade into oblivion. Well, it's not really a time of the year, but it's a situational thing. I complain I never get invited anywhere, but when there is an invitation I usually chicken out, or have no drive for it. An example, was Sarah's Victoria Secreted watching part. It was nearing the time to go there, I had gotten off work. I ate something, finished some howehork, and felt letargic. I would have driven there, and I wanted to go there, but it would have been 1 wait to get there, and then an hour to get back, and it I stay late, then I miss the trains and can't get back to my house. So, I just stayed at my house, and didn't worry about all the variables. Then, I see people writing on their journals, and saying how much fun it was, and it makes me feel decently crappy. Granted, I could have gone, but my lazy arse did not.
It's weird, and it's something that happens every so often. I simply don't have the drive to do some stuff. I am funcional, and do leisure stuff, but nothing that requires much effort. Studying, and driving are things that require that effort. I try to plan stuff, but I just end up watching TV or something, it's silly.
That is also a reason why I know a bunch of people, yet I don't really hang out, or go visit anyone. Hence it follows that I never get invited anywhere. Also there is the whole fact that I am concious about my image. The amount of clothes in my closet is slowly dwindling, and most things make me look silly. The things that I want to wear at times, I don't because I worry about my weight. I am not fat, and I am still within a healthy weight, but I just don't look good. I have the mild fear of rejection that goes along with that. I can hang out, and sometimes do, but the situation is always small and mild. I feel silly going to parties, and seeing people that look so much better than me. I know it's my own fault that I am not improving myself. I should be, but when I try to plan things out, it never pans out.
*sigh* Again, I will probably just be at home, brooding over something stupid. Being lazy as ever, and watch the fun times roll away with everyone else. I don't live life, it just goes by, and I am part of it.
Hopefully things will get better, and I will get my drive back...
Ok, the title of the entry make it shound naughty, but it isn't. I just bought a new leather chair for me, and a fabric one for sis. I also got a desk for her, which I assembled yesterday. 
Well, assembled kinda sorta. We looked at the instructions, and parts were not quite right, and there were MARKINGS IN PEN in the instructions. That means people changed it after the desk was made. Some parts had different holes in different places.
I got all frustrated because of the instructions, and was a bit unreasonable. So, I didn't let people do anything, and ended up arguing that we should read the instructions. Granted, the instructions were wrong, and later I had to admit that I screwed up. I am getting better at that. I usually deflect blame on me, and complain about the situation instead. Yeah, I know, I can't be right all the time.
Anywho, sis is sooo happy about the desk. She loves having some place to be able to plop down, and study in. All other places in the house are not quite as confy.
Hmm, Life is simple, and I can go sleep without a problem... NOT
I have this yearning to not sleep, and just delay my sleep. I can just go to sleep, jump in bed, an tada, I fall asleep easly. Well, of course after making the air a bit colder, because I can't sleep in anything near warm. The covers do that, but the bedroom needs to be cold.
So I am sitting here reading "Strong Bad E-mail" @ Homestarrunner and I realize I am sleepy. I want to go to sleep, but I am not really. I also realize that I need to study a thing or two, yet I am still just sitting, here, and at the moment typing. This sucks, and I wish I would not do it, but comes time to sleep, and I am back on the computer. If I am not browsing porn, or getting informed on news, I am watching funny cartoons, or reading peoples weblogs. The web, and computer in general traps me in a ever awake state.
This state of avoiding also happens when I am trying to study. I just turn on the TV instead, or go play a game or something. *sigh*
Single does not mean alone, since I have plenty of people around me I can talk to. I am most definetly not alone.
I sometimes long for someone to be with, in a level more than the others around me, but that's to be expected.
I am not activelly searching for a guy, but it's something that I would like. I haven't been in a date in forever. If I was in a crappy mood, I could yammer about being lonelly and stuff, but I am not. I am satisfied with the current situation. I just wonder for how long more I will carry the "single" label. I like the dating label, it has many more priviledges. Well, better yet, it simply has some priviledges, hehehe. I am not really interested in one night stands, and other junk. Granted, people like them because they are fun.
I would like someone that just likes to hang out, talk, go watch movies, enjoys eating out, and relaxing. Well, there is way more stuff to do then that, but I have been in a wild mood latelly. I am just trying to get a bearing on things around me. I am grounded, thank you very much, but things are not exactly where they should be.
Heh, I would just like someone to wake up besides all warm and confy. That's a feeling that I really haven't had. The only time I did sleep on another bed, with someone, I woke up cold and clammy. Not something memorable, so I want to have something memorable. This has no way to do with sex. Sex is a plus, but one needs to have a connection, and be able to be close before that point.
Anywho, this entry really was spaced out, since I wrote it for no good reason.
Ohh, so Lisa showed up at work. She is ok, granted a bit off, but I can't elaborate on that stuff. She might be back probably around december. We don't know yet what is going to happen. It's pretty much a decision oh her and her husband. I hope she comes back 110%.
Bedies that, things are getting in order. I still got reports that I have to run, but as my manager says, I should "delagate." Which would translate to having Frantz and Jonny do it, since they don't have that much stuff to do. I think I shall do some... "delagating."
Gaw, finally work is not making a fuss about me going to Brazil. I just have to come back withint 30 days and I should in theory be able to have my position. I had to sit down, and talk to them, and now everything is settled. I am so glad that this is one thing that I do not ahve to worry about.
In my simple form of being happy about it, I am going to make my account direct deposit. I just have to pick up the stubs of my paychecks, but the money will go into my account without any effort. I now don't have to drive to the bank Saturday morning to deposit it.
Otherwise things are still hecktick as can be. I am debating if I should go by work today to finish some stuff. It's my day off, so I am not really sure about it. I feel compelled to go, because there is minor stuff that needs to be done. Well, I could call the person working on the desk, and ask him to do a thing or two. That would make me feel more useful.
Ehh, I care too much, :-p
Today I am content with life. Every so often things seem fine, and all falls into place.
I am doing good in school, I got a job, that is secured. As far as money goes, things are ok at the moment. I got a decent amount of people I know, and they are nice. I don't know who I would consider friends at times. I have a some friends because they are at the same place at the same time. I have friends that are good friends. I don't have people I could call in at any moment and do something. Well, at least I think that, because I am not a person that does that kind of thing. I am more quiet, yet I could be more social. I have the potential, but not the time.
I am happy with my house, and things are otherwise good. I am getting my new motherboard and processor soon. That will make my computer ubber spiffy. I will also probably get a new video card, and play some games.
I am not in a fight with anyone, and haven't had arguments with anyone in a long time. The dogs haven't peed on my bed. I don't have a cold, or got the flu. I am content with how things are.
I like this feeling.
Ok, so I shall talk about what is going on what work, while I am in a good mood. I would normally write right after the event, but that would be not very accurate, since my state of mind would not be amiable.
Ok, so here it goes...
Hunter just quit, and Brad a few days before him. I was like WTF, but it was expected. The only thing that gets iffy is that there is a train of other people who also said they are soon to quit. I don't think people should start quitting all of a sudden. I like my job, and I care about things. People will soon enter in a flow. Right now noone is in a flow. Fingers get pointed here and there. Most people seem to be pointing to "Agent G." He has been hard on people latelly, and people are getting miffed about it. It's a normal reaction. The thing is he is driving sales, and our store is being liked for that. Well, we can't forget bonuses that they get and other stuff like that. It's money in their pocket.
I am only quitting because I am going to Brazil. I am going to be there for only 2 weeks, but people are still bitchy about letting me go. I asked the HR lady if I could come back, and she said maybe. I already picked up and App, and I am filling it out for when I come back. She said that my job might still be open, unless they auction it off to other people. Also, they said if I am more than 30 days, they can change my payrate. Well, if they do that, they won't see me again. I want to be back within 30 days. Have my same job, with same pay rate, and my benefits.
I am still deciding on what I want to do. As I said, it depends on what happens between now and then. I talked to Russell (Frond End Manager) and he made me feel all better about it. He does that well.
Ohh, and the next day, I happen to get the Customer Service Award. There was a whole speech how I did 2 or 3 jobs, and while Lisa is away I also did her job. So, I am being helpful, and carrying my load and a bit more. That made me happy.
More Later.
I am so happy that I am going to Brazil. I need a vacation, and I am definetly getting one.
*Perma-Smile*
They boy sometimes just puzzles me. I really don't think I have pissed him off, but I am on a weird agenda of his. Not a bad agenda, where things are evil, and wrong. It's just a weird agenda that is oblivious to me. I seem to understand him, but I don't quite get him at times. He is internal, except with 2 persons. That would be of course Allison, and Nancy. They are his internal people. They are allowed into his inner circle of stuff. Hunter has bestowed upon them that priviledge. It's his life, and he tells whatever he wants to whomever he wants.
I would ask him further information about stuff, but I alredy know the answer to things. It's probably a no. There is this line of topics he shall never dwell on. Yeah, he can comment on stuff, but that is just surface stuff.
I also think the agenda has to do why I am no longer on his Friendster list. He won't tell me why he removed me, and he refuses to tell me why he will not add me. He knows that I want to enquire, and he will tell other people about why I was removed. I don't see the point in that one, but ok. He won't tell me, and I just don't know why. Ok, maybe I did hit on him, one time. After that, I no longer made advances since he made clear his territory.
He is a very clear cut person on things, and that is good. Although, sometimes he just clear cut won't open his mouth, or tell certain things. I have stopped trying to figure things out, and just take it all as it comes.
I do have to compliment him on things. He seems very determined to do what he wants. Everyone says he is quite smart, and I tend to agree. He has his points of view, and expresses them. That is a good quality.
Ahh, and I sit here and wonder about things as life goes on. Things are not chaotic at the moment, and seem simple. Work is not giving my a headache, but yet, I have started to care about it again. I called my boss to make sure he received the schedule for the group, and asked what changes had to make. I actually thought about how things would fall, and who would get lunch when. It's weird, and I am starting to understand how Lisa feels when she is willing to help. One stars caring about the people who they are making stuff for. When the schedule was made, and just given to me, I didn't give it that much thought. Now that I make them, I actually consider that everyone should have their share of hours, and to make sure there is someone always there to help customers. It's not that easy since all schedules conflict. I wish that was not the case, but *meh.*
Gaw, I was just talking to Joe, and I commented on how bored I was. He said, don't you have a good book to read, to which I replied, without thinking: "There are no good books"
I wonder what the hell I was thinking at the moment. I have not read any books at all latelly. Well, except for the required reading of classrooms, but that falls under a different category. I don't know why, but books are reasearch tools manily, and I don't have that much time to read them normally. Go figure...
I believe there are good books, and I have read good books in the past. I shall read again, when I have time.
Today I registered for the Regents test. I will be taking the writing part of it on Wednesday @ 12:00. I don't have to take the reading part, because I got a good score in the verbal part of the SAT. I just want to get it done and over with since, I have to take it before I get 45 credit hours.
I also registered for my classes. So far I am only taking 2 classes, Calc 1, and Intro to Programming 1. I might take an intro to some foreing language, but I am not sure yet. I am also considering getting some classes in philosophy, and go ahead and complete that major. I got the main requirements to take all the upper level classes. It's funny. Anywho, the only problem is that the Phil classes all interupt with the classes I need to take go get my CS degree. Therefore, I will stay out of them for now. I got registration this whole month, so I got time to plan. The important part was that I registered for the classes I needed.
Calc 1 should be ok this time, since I will have a lighter load, and can actually focus on the material, and doing homework.
How do I start things entry? It will just be a rant about work, but it needs to be written.
Right now at work, I wonder how things are going. I wonder the background reason for what everyone is doing. I wish I could bring myself to care tremendously, but, naw.
Everyone is moving along their own pace. We all seem to be working together, but not really. There is friction here and there. I wish things would get in place again. Ohh, I am happy we are finally having a store morning meeting again. We haven't had one for a long long time. They might seem superfluous, but I like them.
Ok, time for the long rant that encompasses the 25% title...
I am not motivated to be 100% at work. I am not motivated to give my 50% either. I do my 25%, and everything seems fine. I am a good bit above functional, which is 10-15%. I do what I need to, and that extra little bit. I am not doing everything I could by far. I am efficient, and see plenty of things I could straighten out. I started doing a bit of that today for the sake of Frantz. As far as my Manager goes, I don't share his vision much. Sometimes I sit at my theoretical desk, and wonder were the hell things are going, and what the hell am I supposed to be doing. It's not his fault entirely, but more of a group effort to make everything crazy. Things are falling through the cracks a bit less, but are still falling. The ever ending internal battle, of my group, and retail still wages one.
The ting that just made me wonder today was: My Manager told me that I should when not at the desk, stand at the door, and qualify business customers. I frankly questioned him, and asked if it was his idea. He said, yeah, and I just gave him a look. Also, I questioned what would happen if I were not at the door, and he simply said, that this would be insubordination, which is not obeying your boss. I was ohh, ok, and gave a smug grin. Really, makes me wonder how the hell things are going to end up. I questioned him, and he then told me why. He said that there were too many customers that were corporate, going through retail. Sometimes there are, I agree. Although the mindset is if someone works for a business, they are therefore business customers. It ends up seeming that way, and it's clear why.
Thing is, I still got stuff to do that would not go with that. I have forms to file, reports to run, customers issue to deal with. I also answer the phone, process credit apps, check inventory of other stores, pull web orders, and make sure my area is decent. I ran stuff for other people to through the day. I get asked to go get this, and help with that. So, yeah, I can just drop everything I do, walk away from my desk, and qualify customers at the door. Well, gee, I am sure that is reasonable. Since the retail sales people don't want to do that, because they want to get paid, I have to. Well, but I am hourly, so who cares. Also, by being at the door, and qualifying customers, something is going to happen in reverse. I will try to find corporate customers, but retail customers will obviously ask me for help. See, that is when things become gray. By standing at the door, I am bound to go on some 30 minute trips, explaining something that is self-explanatory to someone that has nothing to do with the reason I am standing at the door. Besides that, there is the fact I will actually act like a corporate sales person, and have to help the corporate customer on picking items, and choose stuff. Gee, and in the meantime, what happens to the desk. Well, I am certain to find myself caught in a line potentially when I get there. So, the way to make sales is to make my stretch so thin to a point where the service to everyone is globally crappy. Sure, I can manage that, let the people who already shop with us fall though the crack. Sounds all sunshiny day to me. That is except for the fact that it obviously isn't.
Again, it doesn't drive me to be 100%, but as always, that is the way I am going to have to be. I will do my best to be efficient, and helpful. I am sure able to to do it. I got complimented by a total of six people today. They all said I was smart, and learned fast, and have skills, and also that I am helpful, friendly, and so forth. It's so weird to be complimented so many times in one day. It made me feel better, and it also drove me to think that I can do better, even if I don't believe entirely on what I am doing. I shall improve, and make efficient things that weren't. I shall make guides and shortcuts so errors are minimized. I have things I have to solve, and make amends on other things. I am usually on top of my game, but I have to be on top of everyone's game. Sure I can act like an automaton about everything, but that is just sufficient to bore me to death. I have to be me, on the most efficient level. I don't need to believe in what I do, I just have to believe on my ability to do what must be done.
25% might be good enough to make people happy, but that means jack to me. I can still not give a shit and be 100%.
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