Outside

Gaw, I've been in a down mood latelly. My blog has reflected that in many ways. Things are going well, but things are just not in place. When I can't get things organized, and set a framework to get things straight my life falls into this weird limbo. Nothing seems to progress, and all I want to do gets stuck in mid-air.

Right now I feel outside of things. That would sum things out decently. I really don't want to deal with things right now. I know I have stuff I need to do, but everything is besides me. It also extends to my social life, as I have said before. Everyone has their own clickes, and groups, and I just am around. I don't really belong to any of them. I fall in an outside category. I exist, I am there, but I really don't server a group purpose. I don't go out and have fun. I don't have people to call up and ask to come over. I usually dread people coming over, that cuts into my sheer laziness. I am usually doing nothing, or just lounging. I usually go to my room, and everyone leaves me alone.

Yet, I accomplish 0 overall. I have a bookbag I don't study from. I have this fast computer which serves as a music box that can browse the net. I have erasable boards, and notepad that stay blank, or have messages from 3 weeks ago. Albeit, some of that stuff on the board is amusing, but none useful. My brain wonders arond aimlessly, in a trip to nowhere.

I really would like to shake of this total mood of Blah. It would be rather nice to do so. Granted, I usually seem happy, and smile, yet, that's just my normal state. It's a blank glee. I am concent with the dullness of everything. People still make me laugh, and things amuse me. Although, things just go slowly flat. I still smile, since, that's about all that I can do. Time passes, and I just wonder where it's all going. I still live, and I do things necessary for life to go on.

I function in just a list of simple tasks. I go do this, then that, than that other thing.

Wake up, take shower, drive to work, take care of stuff I have to do, do something in my infinite task list of reports, eat (sometimes don't eat), chat with people at work, do closing duties, go home, manage to stay awake way more then needed, get little sleep. Repeat. This time, add school. With school, the only difference, is that I take notes, also eat, and hang out at Rampway office.

Everyday, and every night. Things get into a dreary routine. Food makes me happy. It keeps things varied. Things repeat again, and again. My mood doesn't get better this way.

I think about going out and doign stuff, doing something with people I know. Then, thinking pattern kicks in. Going out costs money, I don't have enought money for that. I flash so many bills that need to be payed though my head. I worry about how things are going to go. I decide not to go out, and it's dull again... *Continuing in another post*