Who To Call?

*leading from post "Outside"*

I can pick up the phone, but I have noone to call. I could if I wanted to call some people, and we would probably hang out, but I get all self conciously stupid. IF they call me, I probably would just blow them off. Not because I don't want to do whatever, but because I need to get things in line.

I crave going out, yet I avoid it like the plague. I thirst for life, and then close the faucet.

It's a double lock. I don't call people, and avoid doing things if they call. I go to movies sometimes, that's because sis invites, and I really want to see the movie. Otherwise, naw, what's the point of going to the movies. I play Mario Kart Double Dash, and Mario Party 5, sometimes when sis bf comes over, and housemate, and his gf are here. I keep things too close to home. Most things I seem to do are family related, at home, or tasks.

I feel drab, and often think I will act amazingly stupid if I go out. What do I wear, my closet is shrinking, and I don't have the money to renew it.

I fear saying the wrong thing, and people disliking me. I don't know why, it bugs me so. I am the 5th wheel. I can't fix it without dealing with my insecurities. I am capable of doing stuff, and know that.

When I go do stuff, it's fun, and things are fine. Yet, day seems to end up with me somewhere feeling lonelly. It's something that happens because I let it. I withdraw a bit, and just sit aside.

It's funny, I am the only person that can fix this. If someone where to call me at this moment, things would just go through the motions. I would end up at 0 again. It would be nice if other people could fix this flaw. They can't, and there is no amount of good will, and friendliness that will get things to be nice and peachy. Life is just very weird, and sometimes I hate it. Well, not hate it in evil way. Just dislike how things flow if I let them.