January 2004 Archives

So, finally, ohh finally. Today I started studying. I am so happy that I have. And hey, I am not doing it the night before the test. The test is actually 5 days away. I started studying for it now. I gathered the problems, and I am working through them. I am marking the ones I am having difficulty with, or if I make a careless mistake. Ohh, and I have noticed the careless mistakes, they are bad bad. Although, you only learn how to avoid them, by practing, which is something my current professor keeps teeling us, again and again.

I did a bit today, and Saturday night, from the time I get home, until 3am, I will be doing the rest. Then, on Sunday, I will work them from 6 to 12. I will then to go school, and the ones I am having problems with out of the way. Monday, I will go through them, again, and I should be ready. I cannot, shall now, will not deviate from this routine. I will stay away from the computer, and I will not go out (which is not a problem really,) and will not go to the Rampway office. I like that place, but it's an automatic drain for every single morsel of time you have.

So, I am happy at the moment. Still, I would not have to worry about being in this situation if I had started earlier.

I sit here, wanting really hard to do my study Math. I have books, answer books, plenty of paper, and the questions I need to do. In retrospect, if I had done some questions already, this would not be a problem. It doesn't take that long to do one chapter, but when I look at 6 chapters together, it looks insane. All those questions, and no time. I panic when looking at that, not the freak out panic, but an anxiety of too much panic.

Ealier, I could have done it, and it's too late to go back and do it. So I am stuck with broken steps in a ladder. One you can skip, but as you let he steps break away, the jump is bigger. I can eaither take the jump now, or expect a bigger gap to fall in. If I don't force myself to do it, history will repeat again.

I shall, I will attempt to do them, and do them well. If I can't understand, I will ask. I must set that in my mind on a go forth basis. I already know what happens if I don't, and it worries me.

Slowly, I see myself sliping towards past errors. I planned for things to counter this, yet, I am heading towards it.

1. Math Class - I have not done the homework. I understand more of the material, and the re-explanation of everything helps. Yet, I completelly losing focus on it. That was the reason I dropped my math class in the first place. I lost so much focus, and so much material slipped by, and I was no longer capable of absorbing the current material.

2. Weight - Running, and working out, were all writted down, and times for it were scripted. Yet, I have not run or worked out a day yet. I have instead, gained some weight, even if not as much as before, it's something that I didn't want to happen.

3. Generic Blankness - The more time I allot to get a handle of things, the less I manage to do. Time for me, is like a mindless waste of time. The more I have of it, the more I manage to waste. I do go through the motions to keep life from going all screwed up, but yet, leave things undone.

4. Generic Studying - I have less classes, and I do even less in contrast to the amount of classes. Before, I used to at least read, and do so me work, now, once my bookbag is home, it's in a closet until next day of school. I still lug my books around, with the tought I am going to read them, and they just lay there. I sit to study, yet, I end up just blabbing out with my classmate.

5. Feelings - While I am not numb to the pait that is caused by the lack of people around me, I am numb in general. Good things happen, and I don't smile. I've given gifts, and I received thanks, yet there is no feeling of gratification. There is no gratification from anywhere. What I can count on, is feeling empty. Not alone generally, but definetly empty. Sometimes, I neander like a tame sad animal. I take care of basic things, and otherwise, I am sitting there, not thinking, not doing, not living. Not even sure if my existance is relevant at that point in time.

6. Relevance - My mom and sister mostly decide my relevance. I work to provide for the house. I do things I need to keep things paid. I work sheerly becuase of bills. I do use my money for food, which is about the only thing that seems outside bills, and transporation. I am hungry, then I eat. I am thirsty, then I drink. There isn't much to it. Mom says her life would be nothing without me and my sister. Yet, at times I feel, I would be nothing, without the relevance of her and my sister. They give a slight variety to my otherwise numbness. I talk to them, and quip with quirky cell phone messages. I am content at that point.

7. Identity - The classical question of "Who am I?" "What defines me?" - I know my stats, and factual stuff about me. I know what I am good at, and what I need to improve. I am critical of myself. I am very critical at myself. Yet, sometimes I just don't care about what defines me, or who I am. I use my skills, and stats towards a goal, that is not mine. I keep myself alive. I know who I am. I know what defines me. Yet, it's not much, and what is suppose to give my a sense of direction, just lingers around, like old carpet in a long forgotten room. It exists, it has characteristics, but hey, it's old carpet in a long forgotten room.

8. Significant Other - The concept given up upon. Until, I am ready to be in a relationship, I am sure I will not become a part of one. Not even be near one, or have any prospects of one. Yet, I wish, just a bit, that the prospect existed. I wish there was a someone else, that would think enough of me, to ask me out. When I look around, that is what I don't see. I have gone out before. It was nice.

X - I know of what I am writing. I have written it before. Yet, I am flawed to get things to move to a better place. I am not incapable, but I have no drive towards it.

Again, I gather the feelings of being an outsider. Someone who is still around, but noone takes notice off. And if they do, it's not warranted as good usually. A pesky fly on the wall.

Yet, sometimes I feel that my attention is warranted, and I can contrubute some. Although, it's more the first.

*Unhappy below*

I sit here, again, wondering who am I true friends with. I hang out with people, but still, it feels like I am just a person that happens to exist, and you talk to. Nothing important, but something that can be interacted with. Like a guy in a bar who you blab to. You don't know him, and after you step away, there is no feisable reason why you would care about him. He was there, and now he is gone. It's an uneasy feeling, although sometimes I make it seem like a huge deal. It's not huge, but something that lingers in my head after I am hanging out in places. Namelly at the moment, the Rampway office. There are times people say hi, but otherwise, unless I speak first, I am just as livelly as the always off TV mounted on the ceiling.

I know a bunch of people that come here, and pass by. Some know me, some don't. I see them, and I interect at times. They just pass by, and that's about it. Even when I do go places with them, I am a bit behind, a bit aside, a bit excluded. Granted, at times, that's by my own fault, but it has come to be an automatic thing over time. If I am not being excluded, I sometimes manage to say something, or do something that would annoy them. I do carry on conversations at times, that are stimulating, but everything else considered, that's rare. Again, I can't really feel confident of calling someone up to just hang out.

*A bit happier below*

There is a lighter side. People are generally friendly, and I don't mind being with them, even if a bit outside at times. I do go, and grab a bite, and learn things about their lives. It's interesting to see the deepness of a person. You come to appreciate who they are, and get an insight of what they plan to be. I like to people watch, and sometimes by being a bit outside, it makes easier to analyze better. By getting close, sight becomes blurred, and objectivity is gone in general.

*Insigh - Mixed*

If that's how things go, I probably set them up this way. If interaction with all my groups of people are usually the same, the commom element would be me. I am not saying there is something wrong with me. I am who I am, and most times, I appreciate that. Of course there are times, where I go *doh* and notice my fundamental flaws. All humans are flawed, and not everyone interacts together well. If the people I know act like they do towards me, there is probably reasons for it happening. I can't go, and ask them "hey, be friendly to me, and let's go hang out." I have no control of other people, and their actions, and more importantly reactions. If I had that power, I would probably not use it, because I know people would not be true to their wills.

*Rambling - Sad*

I wish I could interact with people, and assimilate as well as others have. I wish I could have close friends to go hang out with, and that I could count on. I wish, I had someone that knew what I was thinking. I wish I had the ability to sometimes keep myself from being annoying, in others point of view. I am quirky, I accept that. I am unique, and I do my own things. I look at other people, and their friends, and at times I *sigh.* I wish for that, I do, but it doesn't happen. Eventually, if it gets near that point, it's just to take a turn for the worse, and disappear. *sniff*

*Final Insight w/ notes*

Most of my insights make me sad, they usually drive me near crying. At the end of them, I am usually in a downer mood. I am not depressed per se, but just down. At times I twist my view of the world, to a point where there is little hope. I know there is hope, that's the thing. I end up at peace, and realizing the world is what it is, and that I am still here and moving on. I have my own life, and it does not depend on other people entirelly. Entirelly as to mean, I would describe myself as others see me, and not as I see myself. It's imporant to consider how others see you, but it's also imporant to be able to see yourself, and clearly. I see myself, and I realize, while not having some things hurts me plenty, I am always recovering, and realizing, I will always strive, no matter what, to be myself, and be true to myself.

Ok, so I am gathering the tools to execute my plans.

Today, I got an answer book for my Calc 1 class. That is needed, since I have made copies of the answer pages, just so I could look at the question, and quick reference the answer without having to manuver my book. So I get kudos for that one. Also, the answer guide gives more in depth solutions, for when I cannot ask a teacher or go to the Math Assistance Center. So happy I am to have done that.

I am still planning my fitness guidelines. I have a basic idea, but since I was, and still am sick, I don't have a chance to test their execution. Running in a treadmill with a runny nose and stuffy head isn't effective period.

As far as the studying overall, I am working on that. I have changed the layout of my room so I have desk space. That signifies me purchasing the wireless keyboard and mouse. Also, I cleaned all the clutter around the desk, so I now can just plop down my book without worrying about anything. *grins*

As I already forecasted, I have started to visit doctors and make appointments to solve things that have been going on. I already made appointment with the dentist, and will get my teeth all healthy again. I will make one with the Dermatologist probably the week after next.

Also, I am gonna go get my Lactose Intolerance, and Hypoglicemia test.

Anywho, I will put more preparations in here later.

See, that's why people don't mix up random thing in their entries and make a title. Yes, it has the attractiveness of a newspaper headline, but the content is so not like it.

Anywho, on to the entry...

I fianlly scheduled an appointment with a dentist. I will have my "new patient" check up on Jan 27 @ 09:30. I get to take x-rays, and have my mouth probed and poked for a whole hour or so. Yeay, I want to get my teeth in line already. I do mean that literally, since I will probably have to put on braces. I also need to get a cleaning, and whenever possible, I wll get them whitened.

Ohh, besides that, I finally bought myself a wireless mouse and keyboard. I really needed one, since I keep getting things knocked around with the cables. Besides the cables were nener too long. I am happy with that. I just wish the mouse was ultra responsive like my plug in mouse, but you can't have it all.

Aside from my shopping fun, I got my room changed abit. I moved my bed against the wall, since it was cramping all my desk space. I can now sit back, and relax. Also I have space for my keyboard drawer. That means I have even more desk space *YEAY.*

Auntie came by today. I gotta say it's weird to have family coming by again. The whole family had a split, and things went bad for the other side. My aunt was telling my mom, that next time they fight, she will still talk. Weird how thing go, but I am happy. While I am not overly excited with my family, my mom does miss talking to her sisters. Also, she has more contact with her mom, which is good. So, that brings overall good things for everyone. Ohh, on my part, I get to talk to one of my cousins. I was friends with him since I was born, but after the big fight, I had stopped talking to him. His life is going well, and I get to check up on things with him every once in a while.

Ahh, I am happy to be feeling better. I am no longer slightly crazy and edgy. I am now my own midly insane but in a good sense self. *grins*

Now, really... I am just happy about not being sick. Stomach influencing bugs are the ones are like the least.

Being outside my normal frame of thought, while interesting, was something that I don't like at all. I am still wondering what will happen when I step into the subway near my job. Since I walked out of it a few days ago, because I was in a really screwed up mode.

Again, I reiterate the point why I am not a person that does drugs. I like having things that keep me on check. It's nice to be able to make decisions with abilities to pan out how things would be.

Hmm, I am still getting headaches. One just started. I am not used to having headaches at night. Granted my rest pattern has been altered. I am probably just tired, since my body is still cleaning up all it's ick. Ohh, am I glad I am not all evily bloated. Oy, evil.

Ok, I gonna go now.

So, for the first time even, I called in sick today. Granted, I do have a contageous virus, that causes extreme stomach discomfort and high fever. I am taking Cipro, you know, that medicine people went all crazy when they had the Anthrax scare.

So, I think chris had it, and he passed it to my sister, that passed to me, and we passed to our mom, because she's been taking care of us.

Anywho, calling in sick was weird, my boss understood, but it was still weird. The last time I went to work with symptoms like this, I had to leave within one hour. Moving around, and standing makes one feel worse. Besides, I had fun fever delirium. While waiting for my meds, I was singing brazilian kids song on the car. I also had weird dreams, and hummed constantly. Not to mention the pacing, and random spouts about things that don't make sense. Granted, it was fun, and I laughed a bunch.

Ohh, and this past night, I tought my pillows were big architectural marvels. Yes, they were made of this intricate patterns of metal. Yet, they were fluffy, and I was hugging them. I had some other weird dreams, and they were all wild and adventurous. Mom had weird dreams too, and that was interesting to hear. The only side effect of the delirium, is the annoying shaking, and the feeling of shifting hot and cold. That's the not so fun part. Ohh, and you become hyper sensitive to light, and touch.

I was taking a shower, and I could feel the bristles of the sponge, very intenselly. Shaving was even worse. I could feel all the little hairs being cut, and blade just hurt, and hurt.

I dont' really want to make my coworkers sick, because if they get sick, then I get more and more stuff to do. So, I will probably will come back on Saturday only, granted I have a doctor's excuse until Sunday.

So, I am very much sick at the moment. I was kinda ok at school, and at about 6, it hit me. I started feeling bad. I got the chills, got a headache, had huge stomach pain, fell nauseated in general. Driving home was a task. I wanted to get home as soon as possible, because I was hating to drive while feeling sick. On top of that, I also have a cold. So, I was sneezing all the time, and my nose was dripping like a fountain.

Well, body ache soon settled it, and I was close to home. I ran to my room, changed, and hit the jon. Apparently, I also have diarhea. Oy, I know it's nasty, yeah. So, for I got about 5 trips to the restroom. I sucks so very much. I still feel like crap at the moment.

Interesting thing is, my sister has the same thing. Yet, I barelly have seen here this past days, and we didn't share any food, or ate of the same place. She is donwstairs all bundled up, and also feeling sick.

Mom made a nice soup for us. It's her classic sick soup. A little broth, a LOT of vegetables, which she puts in the blender. Then she puts one or 2 simple vegetables, that don't have a mushy texture, and we eat it. Granted, the soup barelly has spices, and it has no salt. It's made to give some sustinance, without being upsetting. I didn't really want to eat it, but I had to. I even kinda ate another half bowl. In the middle of it, I could not eat it anymore. The good part was the Yam (I think that's what it was, it had a potato like quality, and was white, and the flavor was a bit sweeter)

Anywho, I am so icky right now, but I will hopefully get better. If I don't, I am sooo not going into work. I went into work once feeling like that, and had to leave after about 2 hours. Repeated trips to the restroom, and their really cheap toilet paper is definetly something I am not looking forward to.

Mute, and screaming for help. I want to ask for help. I need help. I need to scream at myself, and get me to help myself.

I don't get depressed. I get stagnant, and stale. Well, I unfocus on everything that is important, and act like a zombee. Well, a zombee that likes to have fun. Well, not really fun, because I can't get myself to go out and HAVE that fun in the first place. I sit around, and avoid doing stuff.

Angry at myself I get at time. Frustated, Pissed off, Mad. I want to be functional. Well, I am functional. In the medical terms, I would be fully functional, and able, and normal.

Living, I just crave some living. I get scared, when I go to do things. I get wheary, I get an iffy feeling. I step out of simple boundaries, and some patterns, and it's bad. Not in a overly bad sense. I try stuff, and I do go into situation I haven't gone into before. I have that ability.

See, I am explaning this, but I don't want to sound like it's a problem or an issue. When I read, it seems harsh, so I downplay, and explain myself. I do that alot, I reason things out, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

I don't wanna being single. I am, but I don't wanna be.

Granted, I don't think I am ready to date. I want to, but I am a bit afraid to do it.

Why am I afraid?

Well, there are reasons. I don't think I am at my ideal weight. I am exercising, and trying get there, but I am not. I am in a datable state people say, but still. Also, I am weary of relationship along with sex. I've just had bad encounters. I have limited experience, but I feel jaded.

It's scary to have to reaproach things. I am very very self-councious about it, and it sucks.

I wish I could get a bit of support on this topic, but I probably won't. Most of my musings disapear into thin air. I am not attempting to be a pitty whore. I just have no single person I can sit down and talk to about my problems. I just throw my problems into paper at times, but still things are not any better.

Ohh, how I hate myself for not commiting to my schedule. If I can only focus on my homework I will be happy.

I planned for it, I got the books, and the tools, I even opened the book and looked at the problems. I could not get myself to write on the paper. I just saw numbers, and got a slight feeling of being overwhelmed.

I am 100% sure I can do them, and I have seen this stuff before. Yet, I am letting it go by. I don't want to have to drop my Calc class again, because I can't commit to studying. I have plenty of time to do it. I have set aside time for it, for goodness sake.

I don't know how I am going to get myself in line, but I have to by the end of this week. If I don't things will just go downhill, and fast, because I will get stuck.

*SIGH* I don't get myself at times, yet I understand everything I am doing, and what happens.

Ohh, so, today was my first day of school.

I got professor Bhola for my first class. It's my intro to computer programming class. I like, he seems interesting so far, and the class will seem a breeze I am hoping.

As far as my second class, I already had this teacher from my drop Calc I class. granted I am taking Calc I again. I love her teaching style, but this time I will actually do my homework.

As far as my execution of my "Master Schedule" I was blurry on it today. I have work out time, but I need to know what the hell I am going to work out on. I am thinking like, part of my upper on monday, the other on wednesday, and lower on friday. I might go to the people over at the Rec Center, and pay them to help me with that. Easier than planning something I have no knowledge on.

Well, was a good good school day. *smiles*

Now if I can only get my sleep schedule in line. I tried going to sleep, but just laid in bed. I could not get into a sleep mode. I ended up falling sleep around 1:30. That's 3 ohours of random non-sleep time.

At, work I got a mixed response from not going to Brazil. Management seems weary. Mike made a comment "It's ok, even thought you left me high and dry at Christmas" (or something to that effect.) The Ops also made a comment about it. She said in a more jokeful manner, but the atmosphere is not good.

I am pretty sure I will no longer get any vacation requests approved. Next time I will have to quit, and not come back. I wish it wasn't like that, but hey, it's how things go. Grantedn I do get actual vacation time eventually. As far as this break I took is sucks to have a paycheck that is $0. Good thing I have school money, but I have to pay back to loan we took that was to pay the tickets to Brazil. Rendering my money down to a car payment, until next paycheck. The weird thing is that Mike managed to cut my hours 30 minutes below 30. I can't go below 30, or else I lose benefits and insurance. Gaw, does my job even care?

Lisa, again, should come back end of Jan. I am numb to those news, because it's like talking against the wind to someone. Your sounds gets carried in the opposite direction, and never reaches anyone.

Work is so stuck in itself. I need to go in, and move things forward. If I don't do that, things will start turning in the wrong direction. I don't want that, because it just leads to more drudge.

Tired at the moment. I pulled a double at work today. It wasn't bad, and I expected it. On my way to work I told mom "Man, I just feel I am going to end up doing a double today." Indeed, to my surprise, my coverage had to drive his mom to the hospital. Granted, after today he is no longer my coverage. Jonny, is now a cashier. On my part of the store he would get no hours, so it makes sense for him to be a cashier. Me, on the other hand am a bit weary. Now there are only 2 people for coverage. I will pretty much never see Frantz at work. As soon as he leaves, I come in. It's weird, how the darn "budget" aranges those things. That managers at work keep mentioning it again and again.

I now have to plan schedules again. For now I will do doubles every saturday unless I can figure something out. I will have to talk to Frantz about it. Otherwise everything is still the same. I still will now work Mon, Wed, Fri. It just doesn't make sense. I have stuff to do, and I don't want to have school and work at the same day.

Ok, so thanks to Allison, I am here doing a summary of my Winter Break.

Ok, so off school I was, keen to go to Brazil. That feel through, but I went to Miami and got my Military Papers. Now I can go to Brazil without worrying about being arrested. I am still gonna go there this year, according to plans.

I stopped over in Orlando first, before going to Miami. Universal studios park was fun. Their rides were interesting, except for the fact that the lines for the rides were long. My general time in Orlando was not as exciting as I thought. Orlando wasn't my plan, but my sister's with her bf. My plan, was to go to Miami straight away, and stay on the beach a lot.

Well, I did go to Miami. Miami was a more interesting city than Orlando. It was not defined by it's 7 theme parks. It was defined by it's culture and people. Well, also there was the wonderful fact that it was warmer. The sky was beautiful, and the sun shined for every single day we were there. Also, they have a dance music only radio station.dance music only radio station. Whenever we were driving, that was the station to listen to. I was happy, very happy indeed at that.

The hotel in Miami was nice and near things. Unline the far far away one in Orlando. Me and mom would always wake up, and eat breakfast on the ground floor before heading out, and looking at the city. Yeah, we looked at the city, and their shops, and the people a lot. We didn't go to the beach, because, again, Sis and her bf didn't want to. Yeah, me and her bf don't agree much of trips. He's a kewl guy, and treats her better than anyone I've ever seen, but still. Just because she adores him, doesn't mean I have to follow on the same line.

Anyways, I realized I love a lot of things about Miami. We were 2 days around downtown Miami, and the rest of the time we went to South Beach. It has all the nice shops along it's strips, and a nightlife that many cities would envy. It's a string of shops on a street, a string of classy restaurants on another, and various strips of shopping crazziness. There are touristy shops, nice and moderate shops, and the extravagant shops, with labels that have far too many numbers. I wish I could go there, and renew my closet. It's a trip I will take again just to do so. Although next time I will fly there.

So, I loved Miami, and the share of fabu guys and their bodies helped a bunch. Man, does that place ooze sexuality. As I already mentioned I would be behavingly very badly if I wasn't there ona leasure trip with family. *grins*

I had to come back to Georgia Jan 1st unfortunatelly. There was the fact that money ran out, we had to return the rental car, and everyone had to come back to work. On the drive here, Mom did 97 on a 65. Oops... We were in the city of Tifton at that time. The police officer was police, and we got home finally after a few hours. The only bad thing is the $500 fine that gotta be paid in about a 5 days from now.

In Georgia, I decided to start an organized year, and get things in line. I came to find out my job is sucky, because things are Mega disorganized. It's a headache waiting to happen if I let it. I am trying to get a handle on it, so I don't go insane.

Anywho, this winter break was a mixed bag. Granted, it was better then pretty much all my other winter breaks. Ohh, and a LOT less cold then they were. I am happy to be back, and moving along.

So, I sat down, and made a schedule for all the hours of the day. It's pretty ambitious considering my lifestyle at the moment. I am sorta, kinda, a little itty bitty lazy, *grins.*

It's much more involving than any other schedule or plan I ever made for myself. It includes wake up, sleep, snack, breakfast, lunch, dinner, rest, commute, laundry, errands, bill paying and shower times. That's very encompassing. It virtually every minute of every day. It's structured, and it serves it's purpose immenselly well.

The only problem is that it's untest. I won't know how everything works out until I try it out. At that time I will make the necessary adjustments. I think I will need to buy a wristwatch to be able to keep track of the constant time shifts.

I have at least 30 minutes of exercise each day, which is an area I am immenselly lacking on. Besides that, over the next few days I will be planning execution. The schedule officially starts on 01/12/04. There are a bunch of background things I gotta do to make myself ready. Tomorrow I will run a test trial, to see how I like it. The only annoying thing is the constant sleeping and waking up times. I would always wake up at 7:45, and always go to sleep at 22:30 (or 10:30 AM for peopel who can't figure that one out.) Roughly 9 hours of sleep, and yet I got enough time every day to do every single thing I need to. No wasted time, which is something I didn't imagine could happen.

Anywho, I am happy with this step I am taking with my life.

So, 2004 is already here and moving along. Since 2003 was the year where I was lazy, and things went unfinished, this will be the year were I will be active, and things will get finished. Sounds good enough as a concept, but putting in action will be the interesting thing.

The main thing I have to learn, no matter how much it kills me, is time management. The only thing I know how to do with time, is misplace it. I get a little bit here and there, and just watch it dwindle away while nothing gets accomplished.

So, I have plans this year. My plans will have colorful charts and lists with time, that is for sure. Nothing shows organization better than color, and charts, yep yep yep. *grins*

My plan is to simply schedule things. Sounds too plain, but it's just what I need. Allocating my time in an useful manner. Pan out my day, and the things I need to do in it. As soon as I can get that done, all other stuff will just fall into their happy, gleeful places.

I need to incorporate working out, studying, relaxing, sleeping and errands all into time slots. Well, of course there is also eating, which should be scheduled, but that is something that comes after the basic layout. I've seen people with their schedules, and planners, and for most, their life is more structured. Granted, there is still room for spotaneity, but one would have time to act in such manner without worrying about the world falling apart.

Which brins me to the matter of worrying. Since I don't have a structure to my day, I keep forgetting things, and worry about what I should do next, or what I thought I did. This just adds a extra bit of stress to my already stressful life. Which is something I would rather not have.

Anywho, I shall plan it out, see how things pan out, and hopefully I will have time to develop skills I haven't had time to bother with. I will have time to be happy, and stop being so stuck on a endless rut.