Sliping towards past errors

Slowly, I see myself sliping towards past errors. I planned for things to counter this, yet, I am heading towards it.

1. Math Class - I have not done the homework. I understand more of the material, and the re-explanation of everything helps. Yet, I completelly losing focus on it. That was the reason I dropped my math class in the first place. I lost so much focus, and so much material slipped by, and I was no longer capable of absorbing the current material.

2. Weight - Running, and working out, were all writted down, and times for it were scripted. Yet, I have not run or worked out a day yet. I have instead, gained some weight, even if not as much as before, it's something that I didn't want to happen.

3. Generic Blankness - The more time I allot to get a handle of things, the less I manage to do. Time for me, is like a mindless waste of time. The more I have of it, the more I manage to waste. I do go through the motions to keep life from going all screwed up, but yet, leave things undone.

4. Generic Studying - I have less classes, and I do even less in contrast to the amount of classes. Before, I used to at least read, and do so me work, now, once my bookbag is home, it's in a closet until next day of school. I still lug my books around, with the tought I am going to read them, and they just lay there. I sit to study, yet, I end up just blabbing out with my classmate.

5. Feelings - While I am not numb to the pait that is caused by the lack of people around me, I am numb in general. Good things happen, and I don't smile. I've given gifts, and I received thanks, yet there is no feeling of gratification. There is no gratification from anywhere. What I can count on, is feeling empty. Not alone generally, but definetly empty. Sometimes, I neander like a tame sad animal. I take care of basic things, and otherwise, I am sitting there, not thinking, not doing, not living. Not even sure if my existance is relevant at that point in time.

6. Relevance - My mom and sister mostly decide my relevance. I work to provide for the house. I do things I need to keep things paid. I work sheerly becuase of bills. I do use my money for food, which is about the only thing that seems outside bills, and transporation. I am hungry, then I eat. I am thirsty, then I drink. There isn't much to it. Mom says her life would be nothing without me and my sister. Yet, at times I feel, I would be nothing, without the relevance of her and my sister. They give a slight variety to my otherwise numbness. I talk to them, and quip with quirky cell phone messages. I am content at that point.

7. Identity - The classical question of "Who am I?" "What defines me?" - I know my stats, and factual stuff about me. I know what I am good at, and what I need to improve. I am critical of myself. I am very critical at myself. Yet, sometimes I just don't care about what defines me, or who I am. I use my skills, and stats towards a goal, that is not mine. I keep myself alive. I know who I am. I know what defines me. Yet, it's not much, and what is suppose to give my a sense of direction, just lingers around, like old carpet in a long forgotten room. It exists, it has characteristics, but hey, it's old carpet in a long forgotten room.

8. Significant Other - The concept given up upon. Until, I am ready to be in a relationship, I am sure I will not become a part of one. Not even be near one, or have any prospects of one. Yet, I wish, just a bit, that the prospect existed. I wish there was a someone else, that would think enough of me, to ask me out. When I look around, that is what I don't see. I have gone out before. It was nice.

X - I know of what I am writing. I have written it before. Yet, I am flawed to get things to move to a better place. I am not incapable, but I have no drive towards it.