March 2004 Archives

You are a Dynamic Supportive: Charismatic,warmhearted, sincere, reliable, humorous,compassionate, strong yet gentle -- all thesewords describe Dynamic Supportives. TheDynamic Supportive energy is typified intherapists, doctors, conciliators, clergy,teachers, and communicators. DynamicSupportives are independent, intuitive, andgood at bringing people together, sometimesserving as bridges between Dynamics andAdaptives.
What is your Natural Life Energy?
brought to you by Quizilla

*Grins* I got the link for this Quiz from Paul. Interestingly enough, we have the same results. How peculiar I say.

Marcio Happy?
Yeah, why not.

Marcio Happy with Work?
Yeah, less responsability, and I don't work monday or tuesday. Also, I still get to keep full time status.

Marcui Happy with School?
Ehh, the Calc I test that's coming up is just killing me. I studied, but I am just not absorbing the material

Marcio Happy with Family?
Yeah, I am usually happy with them. Well, them being sister and mom, everyone else is besides the point

Marcio Happy with Self?
Ohh, that. Overall yeah, but wishing to lose some weight

Marcio Happy with Paul?
*Smiles* *Nods*

Marcio Happy with fake questionaire?
Well, since did this format, yeah. Sometimes blogging in question answer format servers it's purpose.

Marcio Happy with current life situaiton ?
There is nothing to complain about it. Things are just in transition, and will settle again. They always do. In the meatime, I just wait. Things are still financially ok for now. Mom will soon help again with money.

Marcio ends blog entry here

Ahh, it's that time of the month again. The time when I have a test, and complain about my sheer laziness.

Well, at least I am upbeat about this one. So, lemme get the facts down as I usually do to reflect.

I plan to study, I get say 4 days to do it. I then, usually blow off 2 days, and the other day I half study. The day before the test, I study and study, until I am ever so tired. So by the time the test comes, I didn't really get to study that much, on top of being sleepy and making careless mistakes. Rinse, repeat.

It's a similat pattern towards other things. It gets built into my life. I don't do things for many reasons. Sometines I neglected them so much, that they will take 2 times the efford they would originally take to be done. And to tell one the truth, if I didn't move on with the effort then, there would be no reason for me to have it doubled and applied towards the same thing.

I am being simplistic about it this time. I've done the pissed off @ myself. It's overdone for that matter. I reflected, and I planned corrections. I vowed to keep on track, and made illustrated how good things would be. Yeay, I did that. It's just as much as a pattern as the original problem. Just me trying to reason things out, and make myself feel better (albeit, not really that much at all) about my complete laziness. Or shall I say, lack of genuine effort.

There are many things, reeling through my head, plans, ideas, all floating around, and acting as wonderful as ever. They are there, and they could have been executed, and I would have liked to see them being executed. Will they??? Naw, not unless I decide to come up with the reasonable effort to back them with.

I can blame it on life situations, worries, TV, never having fun. Well, those aren't excuses, they are just things I use to dodge the self fired bullet.

For examply today (as well as Monday.) I planned to study Monday, and I ended up sleeping, because I had procrastinated on another project, and got only 1 hour of sleep. Today, Wednesday (well, it was, but it changed midway through the entry.) I planned on studying. I got home, but decided to instead catch up about 100 pages of a single webcomic, and also browsed the internet for some webhost, and waited for my current one to respond on some stuff. Then @ 8, mom called me to eat. 8 was the time I had triggered in my mind to study. But, I ate, and then bedazzles was on TV. I sat down and watched that. But wait, then there was "Nip/Tuck." It was starting from the beggining of the season, as repeat, so I sat down and watched that with mom. Yeah, there went 4 hours bye bye.

So now, as I sit here, I realize the same old cycles. I know how much effort it takes to break out and get into a studying mode. I've done it before. It's kinda intense, and is just not as fun as relaxing. Then again, I relax with that pang of bad feelings about not studying in the back of my head.

I thought about devising ways to get myself through it. I planned some in my head. I never went through with them. I thought about talking to someone about it. I have talked to people around me, but just doesn't settle it. I've thought about talking going to a clinic and talking about it. Mom knows a good doctor that might be helpful. About two hours ago, I actually considered that. Although, the only reason I don't do it, is because programmed, in the back of my head, are the words of my mom, that I can get myself out of this, and I just got will myself to do it, and it will happen. I know it's true, because I have done it, but as I said, it takes waaaay more effort than it does for many other things.

Well, I don't feel any better, or worse. Life is okies, and I just move along, and things are fine. The worse that can happen is that I don't get an A. I can get a B or a C. My GPA is good enough to take that hit. Then again, I am taking only two classes so I can focus on them. Truth be told, it was not the classload that was the problem, it was me. I can take 6 classes, and still get A's and B's on them. I know I have the capacity, but where is the effort. I know my abilities, and I know it takes mininal effort for me to do good in those areas. It's just that I am always so near the low effort treshhold, that I end up just sinking into a point were I just don't have an effort to do it.

Granted, I don't fail anything, because I always enter the panic mode, in which I gather info, into a maddening pace (and usually in an almost angry mood) and use it towards passing the classes. Example, I written all my essays the morning before the class, while doing reasearch, and also randomly doing other things. It went fine, I passed, got A's, and that was that.

As I always think, imagine what I could have done if I had applied myself more. Well, I don't because that's the past, and it's done and over it. I can't redo things, so I don't put the effort into them. I get the little amount of effort I have, and try not to, frankly, fuck up my future. I do a good job at that, but still, I can do so much better, if I just apply myself.

I am repeating myself, using different situations. First, complain about situation. Then, complain about effort. After that, the ever repeating realization that I can do better, and soon after, the fact that I am not. Again, Rinse, Repeat.

Again, where is my magic pill. There is the single solution that solves all my problems. Where is my fairy tale fairy godmother that will make everything better. Ehh, those don't exist, and problems aren't solved with a single touch.

Sooo...

I need to get myself in line. It's that simple, and I know it. If I don't, I will perish, and I am well aware of it. I like me. I really really do, and more than other people. I see my flaws, and I see what I need to fix. People tell me how to fix, and what I can do. I try, some things go fine, and other don't. Still, everything balances out to point of origin. I need the tactic that will tip my scale to where it's supposed to be.

Each time I go through this, I progress along, and I just got progress further.

There's isn't much to it. There really isn't. I just need to give meaning towards this goal, and give the effort it deserves. Because it I do, well, I can succeed, and exceed my goals.

The simplicity of what I need to start doing, is that drowns me. I see to far ahead, and add thousands upon thousands of obsticles, that will all block my way in a cunning and clever way. That kills my drive to do it, and I am back to square -1.

Ohh what I am to do?

Let's see. Today was a ok day.

Work was tiring, and I didn't get to finish everything I needed. Things that I didn't want to happen are becoming reality.

I am training my replacement pretty much. She is there 9 to 6, and does all my duties. Me, well, I'm getting shifted to when she is not there. I haven't gotten the final schedule, but I am pretty sure. On top of that, things are just not going well at work.

I was having a bad day, and got a chance to talk to mom. She came to get some money, and then I remembered, and reminded her thatshe had my credit card, but I still got to talk to her, since she was at the Quick Trip already, and I was on lunch.

She was telling me, how she knows things are not so good, but to take it all in positivelly, and just smile through it. I thought about it, and of course it made sense. Granted, I was still not happy at that moment.

She reminded me to focus on the good things. She was telling me, when she was feeling down, she thought of the good times we had on our vacations, and the funny times. She cited the 3AM fire alarm wake up and visit downstairs, which made me smile. She also told me to remember the fun time I had @ the concert with Paul, and how him and I got to hang out and have fun. She told me not to worry about the fact that I might see him for a bit, but to just smile, and things of times I saw him. That's among other things, but Paul was the most recent example, and helped her prove her point.

I take in the negative too much, and let the good positive stuff slide by. I do fun things, but they need to factor into my life more, and carry over to days I am feeling blue. I just let them fade into my negativeness.

Yes, it all comes with the fact I worry too much. Which has been pointed out by Paul ever so much, but it's because it's true, and I am often worrying about things that I should not be. I know things are going to end up fine. As I always mentioned, they always do.

I never really worry if there is something wrong with me. I thought about it, and realized, I just need to focus on good stuff instead of bad. There's nothing wrong, except for the need of some adjustment on outlooks, and that's something I can slowly integrate.

I detach from my good emotions, and attach myself to the bad ones far too easly.

I need to relax, sit down, and get things in line. I said that many many many times before, but still, I haven't really done it...

Yes, I need to organize myself, and let my random lack of interest in things go away. Well, I am interested in things, but I just get everything else boggled with it, and it never gets done.

I just gotta do it, get it done and over with, and move on to more positive things.

Today's insights, are inspired by Mom and Paul. I have more insights inspired by them but I am sleepy, and I am slowly starting to just repeat myself.

Today, I went to see Hoobastank with Paul. Then we went to see "Rocky" (Rocky Horror Picture Show)

It was good, but made me tired, so I go to sleep, and fill details later.

(It was awsome, rocky was hilarious, I was a table and a stool (since I was the RHPS virgin), I took some pics here and there of things...)

*sleep now*

So, today, Paul came to visit my, instead of the other way around

Note: I'm sleepy, so I'll keep it brief.

He headed here, but got lost, and arrived about two and a half hours later. I had to go get him at a gas station, and lead him to my house. He met mom, got a tour of the house, and then we went to eat. We ate at red lobster. The food was good, we both had shrimp and pasta, except mine was alfredo, and his was herb and tomato. Our waiter was "family." I so know he just picked our table for that reason, or so me and paul like to think. We left him a decent tip.

Anyways, after that we went to pick up Paul's good friend, and her girlfriend, Heather and Christy (although I am sure I butched the name accidentally.)

We went downtown to outright, a gay bookstore, and also a local hangout, and then we went to Cow Tippers. Nice place, they ate nachos, and had a chocolate sunday. It was huge so we both shared. It was nice, and delicious.

On out way back to my house, the girls were being playful, and it was hillarious.

It was nice spending time with Paul, and getting to see things everywhere. Also gives us a chance to sit down and just chat. Granted, we did go out, and do plenty of stuff.

It was nice and fun, and I loved it all. No bad memories, and no confusion, so *yeay*

Ohh, I got pics, and I will post them when I am awake tomorrow.

Went to school, and as soon as I left, I was on my way to Paul's. I got there quickly, and we headed out to run some errands. Ohh, and I kinda sorta annouced my arrival a bit close to the time I was arriving so, he didn't have that much time to get ready. Gotta remember, he has to get ready as I do.

As I said, we went to run some errands, like dropping his trumptet off to get a chemically clean, and getting personal hygene items at Wal-Mart.

Otherwise, we went to the Mall for a good part of the afternoon. Ohh, and I bought a replacement bulb for my front headlights. One went out, and driving with it burned was bad.

Paul helped me change the bulb. Things went smooth, until we got stumped on the holding clip of the bulb. Although our handy dandy owners manual told us exactly how to do it. Gee, the owner's manual, sure that's the place everyone looks first in (after trying unsucessfully to do it without it.)

Otherwise, it was a wonderful wonderful afternoon. The mall was kewl, and we wing shopped for a good bit of time. Paul helped me pick his metally and black neck thing. Since I never really used them before, I was a bit weary, but I like it. I look very good with it. Well, at least I like to think I look good with it.

I went to a bunch of stores, and some that I would not go normally by myself in. We got to see oodles of stuff we want to buy.

Ohhh, and we swang by a wordly mart of sorts. I can't remember the namy, but they had many home decor things imported from other coutries, and some food. Paul to hilself some chocolate, rasperry/straberry jam, and safrom for his mom. I just gor myself some white choclate, which was yummy. I did get to try some of pauls extra dark chocolate, which was bold in flavour, but good.

After we hanged out, we just went to his house, and I got to meet his mom. His mom seems like a very nice homey lady. She was friendly, and very conversational. I got to know about her profession, and other such things. It was a good introductury talk. Granted, was rather nervous, and she knew that, and was very understanding, and acted super nice.

I'm happy now. I got to meet his parents and all, and things are kewl so far.

OHhhhh, and I do have to mention the movie Amélie. It's nifty french movie, that we watched. I could understand the french, but it had english subtitles that helped with the words I didn't know. Paul doesn't know french, so yeah, that helped him a lot.

Paul was laying down on my lap the whole movie, and he felt very confy. I enjoyed being there with him, and playing with his hair. He's a nice guy, and I have yet to see anything bad about him.

The day is more exciting than it seems. There are many more things that made the day with Paul, and Paul himself wonderful. *Happily plays with necklace*

I think I'll keep him around a bit longer. (Yeah, it's a thing he says)

So, today I was in Paul's house in the morning. I went there yesterday at night after being stuck in a 2 hour traffic jam. I was going to drive home, but I was too sleepy and stayed over.

I slep in the guess bedroom, and paul was with me a good bit of that time.

Since I got here late, I didn't get a chance to meet his parents.

The only one I met was his father, who was not 100% thrilled that I had slept over. He understood why, but still.

It was interesting meeting him. I did it after breakfast. He said a hi, asked me a question or two about my job, and that was it. I don't know how to read him yet, so I was a bit weary. He didn't seem cold, but just neutral. Paul said that his reactions and expressions were good. Paul kept saying everything was fine, because I was so worried about how things went.

So, I am happy that everything went fine.

Also, I am happy to be with Paul. He's a great guy, and enjoy his company.

Now, I go to sleep, since I didn't get much sleep at all this past few days. (*sticks his tongue out at long hours @ work*)

Ohh, school starts back. *Very uninthisiastically* : Yeay...

So, tomorrow is my sister's birthday, and I went shopping today for eveyrthing she wanted/needed. Also, the day before that, I did some shopping for myself mostly.

So, yesterday. I went to I think Comp (for morning meeting), Starbucks, BP, Comp, Sams, Kohls, Sprint PCS Store, Mall, Comp, Sams, Sprint PCS Store, Kohls, Starbucks inside Target, Target, Kroger, Ingles, Home. Yeah, although the order is fuzzy, that's mainly right. I bought myself white socks, dress socks, a frying pan, a spoon for said pan, 2 button down shirts, 2 plain white shirts, 4 textured shirts (white, gray, blue, black,) a weight scale, a Leather cover for my sister's phone, a box of gel pans, 2 remote controls, large packs of batteries, 2 pounds of mozzarela cheese, 1 1/2 pounds of hard salami, and .85 pounds of german beef bologna. I also had a corn muffin, and a Starbucks Chocolate Malt Frappucino, just to keep me with energy. While at sams we did grocery and misc supply shopping for home. Since it was sunny outside, I bought myself 2 pairs of sunglasses at the Mall.

Yeah, Sunday was an energized day of shopping. Granted that Friday I did go to toy store, we bough a teddy bear, and stuffed dog for her birthday. I bought myself upwords, because I wanted that game. Other than that, 2 domino sets, 2 barbies, and a TNMT for GBA was bought. Those are gifts for upcoming events.

Today, there was more shopping. It started with Cold Air Intake, and white lights for sister's car. We also bought her 2 fragrances per her request. We bough Amor Amor and Victoria Secret's Heavenly. On top of that we fixed her charm bracelet, and bought her a hearth shaped necklace thing. I took advantege of the outing, and went to Target. Over there I exchanged the scale, because it was broken, and got a niftier one that could measure body fat. So, tomorrow we have a bear, 2 fragrances, a box of gel pens, a doggy bookmark, cold air intake, and lights to give to her. I think that should be enough. I am thinking of buying her some Eeyore pijama pants also.

Ohh, and mom just happen to by a 128 piece toolset, and a trashcan, etc. Just randomly you see.

So, this weekened was very shopping charged. I didn't know I had the ability to go to some many stores, and buy so many things in such a short span of time. I guess my store shyness went away. For that I am glad. Granted, by bank account is glaring at me as we speak. As an aside, by bank card did not work for 20 minutes on Saturday. It didn't work at Kohl's or Sprint PCS. I called my bank, and they said their system were down, and to try again in a few minutes. I was upset, but just decided to go around, and look at other things.

*Yeay* for shopping...

So, yes, Saturday was wonderful indeed. As I said on my previous post, I enjoyed it, and I had fun.

I met (a very late) Surge at work, and we went up to Berry. We went to watch a dance concert that was being put by the college.

Anywho, as we arrived there, we went to Applebee's. Paul, Linnea and Shelly met up with us over there. Paul was teching for the show, and so was Linnea, so they both had to be there early. Food was fun, Surge is now "kitty!" and Paul is a "leamer." I am yet to be awarded an animal. We all headed up to the old Rome theathre, which was is in a old govenrment building. It's really confusing to explain how it goes.

We sat down, and watched the Dance concert. It was very interesting, and I enjoyed it overmuch. Well, except from 1 dance, that almost put me to sleep, and was soooo not with the music. Ohh, after the dance concert was over, they did the whole thing, backwards in sequence so everyone could take pictures. I took some pictures, and let Shelly take the rest of them. She has a much more artistic eye than I do. She took many many pics, and in the meantime, the techies planned the "Spoof." They get to mock the play, with their own amusing skit. When they played it out, it was hilarious, and the dancers were laughing out loud. It gave them a chance to relax, and take in all their hard work in a ligh playful manner.

After the spoof was over, the dancers started warming up, and they were getting ready for the second showtime. Paul and Linnea had to go back in, but Suraj, Linnea and I had other plans. We met up with John, and then headed over to starbucks. Ohh, and we also met some of his friends. It was Amanda and Brandon. They were kewl. We hanged out at starbucks, had a drink, glanced over some books, and after wasting a bit more time, we headed back to the Theathre. Parking was quite a task, since this time all the spots were filled.

Marcio's Quote while walking to entrace: "Let's all lick that beetle (car), it's green apple green"

Ok, so after making people laugh/give me weird looks, we got to the entrance, and hanged out. We all chatted, and heard stories of things past. Everyone was in a good friendly mood, which was nice. I got to know everyome more, and all seemed kewl.

Soon, the play was about over. Linnea came out a bit, and was all kissy wissy over Suraj. She went back in, Paul then came out. Well, we went in the theathre, and he just jumped on my back. Shelly tried to warn me, but I was wondering why she just kept pointing behind me. (Yeah, I am ever so attentive, uhh huh.)

We then proceeded to go to Chili's. Suraj and Linnea came behind, because Linnea had to wait for the house to close (although she did manage to get out earlier, since she hadn't eaten anything, and the director just told her to go go.) In Chili's everyone just acted randomly goofy, and as some people saw an old friend, there was hugging, and bumping tables out of the way and so on. Again, I got to make my random quips, which were actually fitting to the situation. So I felt all included.

Time to go was sucky. Well, except for Paul being all near me. That was nice. Ohh, and the temperature had dropped just a little bit, so I shivered. Paul, attempted to give my his dress shirt which he was wearing under his techie black tank top. I refused once or twice, saying I was ok. Although, after the winds blew, I shiverred more, but his time he would not take no for an answer. So, he just drapped his shirt over my to make me warm, along with some closeness to provide body heat. I was all grinning and happy in the meantine, since that was such a nice gesture.

So, after much getting told to get in the car by Surge, and being separated from Paul, I finally left.

I enjoyed everything, and again, this outing was fun, and without any second thoughts or resitations. I was not nervous, nor was I tense. I was relaxed, enjoying myself, and enjoying the company. I don't get to do this that often, so I was teeming with glee as everything went along.

Ohh, and of course the moon looked very beautiful all night long. On the drive back home, I glared at it, though Suraj's moonroof. It was just so serene, and calm, and beautiful.

Again, a happy day, a happy happy day.

So, today was a great day. I enjoyed it, it was fun. I went to Berry again. I will elaborate more later.

So, I need to blog, that was too long without an update. I need to get some stuff into paper and all sorted out.

* So, Work...

Ughedy Ugh Ugh. What the heck is happening there. We just had the 4th salesperson annoucing they are quitting within the last month's period. The first two barelly gave notice. One is transferring to be with family while stablishing a customer base, and another is moving on to a much better job. It's weird. Also it draws away confidence from the team. As far as my boss goes, it looks really bad for him. He is the manager of a team, and just lost half of it in a very short time. Granted, some people left because of upcoming changes.

Ohh, the one that just hit me, was the 40 hour limit. If the salesperson stays over, it comes off their commission. Yeah, it's bad. So, now the reps can only work a limited amount of hours, and still manage to talk to all of their customer, and get all their sales and issues straightened up. Now it makes sense that he wants to hire a full time morning person. There are so many more duties that involve my boss having to talk to every salesperson multiple times during the day. So, the new morning person will take care of all that, and the issues and assistance as it arises. Being afternoonlike would be less efficient, except for desk coverage and such.

Regardless, this is among MANY MANY other things that are just not right. Noone is motivated, noone is being praised, the managers talk about the fact they can't do anything to bring the store up. I sit on my cube wondering where the heck things are going. Ohh, I don't have a cube, but I sit in a cube wondering the same thing.

* So, @ Home...

Mom is studying hard for the Real State Tests. If she passes, she already has a job in line with a prominent real state firm, that will hold her hands as she gets used to the system. *yeay for her,* and I hope she passes. If she does, then I can cut hours @ work. Granted, I will loose all be benefits, but things are slowly heading that way anyways, so I should be prepared for the worse.

There is now a mix of people around the house (but not living there.) There is a slight bit of friction and talks among everyone. People are saying things, and they mean it, and then they talk (argue) about it all. I just stay out of all those convos, since I don't overall care about them.

* So, Friends...

Well, they are all still the same. I am still the same with them. No updates there. Ohh, except that I now know John, which is Suraj's friend. He is kewl, and I can see why he is Suraj's friend.

Ohh, and fell into a prearraged meeting of friends a few days ago, and had to bail out. I wanted to go, but I had a coding thing to finish. I ended up finishing it very late, and barelly got any sleep. So, for that, I am glad I still have the ability to focus in school. Coming from me, that's crazy, but hehehe.

There are more new people that I am still getting to know, but they all will get their own story spaces as I get to hang out with them.

* So, School...

Well, I am doing kinda good, but still not doing all that I can. As far as test # 2 for my classes, I got a 77 and a 90. So, now I have a 92 and 90 on Java, and 100 and 77 on Calc I. The Calc test had some oversight errors. Where I simply forgot to carry number, exponents, or parenthesis over. Ohh, and as part of those would be transposing errors too. Still, I have a B in that class counting this test, and I can drop it if I do better on the others. So the outlook is happy for school. I just got plop myself down and do that stooopid homework.

* So, "Love related stuff"

Well, things are flowing along. Paul is the main focus of "Love related stuff" since he is the only one that falls into the category.

Well, things started fast, and we talked a bunch, but that was the getting to know basic things about each other phase. Now we still talk, but we still do our own things @ out own times. I still like him overmuch just like I did when I started talking to him. Granted, it's just a minor thing, and I will know how everything flows later.

It's fun to be with someone that can walk around in public hands together, or around each other. It's a conforatable feeling, I can definetly settle into. Granted, there is the issue of people's reaction, but so far things are good.

Me and Suraj are going up there this Saturday because there will be a dance concert, that our people are working on. They are gonna be gone from 1 to 10, but it's all good. I will probably catch a nap somewhere in betweet, because there is a store meeting at 8am-ish. It's so evil, because we have to leave @ 6. Ohh, but if Suraj drives, then we have an extra 30 mins or so. Suraj is a speed demon.

* So, on the inside...

I am insecure, but more secure than before. I have happiness inside me, but I am also filled with worry. The uncertainty of plans causes conflict inside. I wish things would resolve better. Granted, they don't make me sad, but the fact they loom around my head changes my mood a bit.

I still feel my flaws, and want the will to improve them. My lack of drive worries me. I have more drive now, and I do things, but I still don't have as much as I want to be in a good position.

I have more on the inside, of course, but things will be said as they come about.

*So...

That's it for now, but my life is as always changing, and as things change, I will always post.

Look, it's anothe entry, but slightly different.

* So, Work...

I want to quit. It's stupid at times, and I feel very unappreciated. I care too damn much about my job. I do things just so everything runs smooth. Granted, I do delay some stupid projects that have nothing to do with anything at times. I wish it wasn't like that.

* So, Friends...

I have them, yet I feel more and more distant. Yeah, it's nice to hang out, but things don't flow right. I hear of times they go out, and I am usually not there. I rant about it, and I am told to chill out. Makes me feel like not caring that much. Yet, I still care, because I consider them friends. It's screwed up, and I can't do anything about it.

* So, "Love related stuff" + On the inside

I don't know how things are going, and I can't read someone else's mind. I am highly insecure on my behalf, and I don't know what steps to take. I am watching to see if I don't overstep anything, and end up worrying about how many ways I can screw things up. I am afraid I take things steps beyond where they should go. So, do I want a full blown relationship. I do, yes, just got watch out for things. What then, what now, how things go. Things connect, but sometimes don't make sense.

I am in new territory. I am clueles that I am going to fall on a pit I didn't see. Not a relationship pit, but a miss-relationship pit. I am afraid of dissagreements, and fights and differences. They have not happed, and I don't see them happening. Yep, it lingers in my head. When are things going to fall apart, when am I going to break down.

I am optimistic, yet, there is pessimism just shouting in my thoughts. Paranoia lingers around the corner, about things that can be wrong. Ohh no, he didn't answer that IM. Darn, I couldn't come up with anything to say. Am I too much into my life and him into his for things to work out. I am just floating with thoughts, and things I can't peg down. I don't bring about topics with him like that. I don't think of them while I am with him. I think it after. While I am with him, I am content with the moment. He is fun, and cuddly, and kisses well too.

*sigh* I am not screwed up, but boy do I screw my thoughts as they flow.