Square -1

Ahh, it's that time of the month again. The time when I have a test, and complain about my sheer laziness.

Well, at least I am upbeat about this one. So, lemme get the facts down as I usually do to reflect.

I plan to study, I get say 4 days to do it. I then, usually blow off 2 days, and the other day I half study. The day before the test, I study and study, until I am ever so tired. So by the time the test comes, I didn't really get to study that much, on top of being sleepy and making careless mistakes. Rinse, repeat.

It's a similat pattern towards other things. It gets built into my life. I don't do things for many reasons. Sometines I neglected them so much, that they will take 2 times the efford they would originally take to be done. And to tell one the truth, if I didn't move on with the effort then, there would be no reason for me to have it doubled and applied towards the same thing.

I am being simplistic about it this time. I've done the pissed off @ myself. It's overdone for that matter. I reflected, and I planned corrections. I vowed to keep on track, and made illustrated how good things would be. Yeay, I did that. It's just as much as a pattern as the original problem. Just me trying to reason things out, and make myself feel better (albeit, not really that much at all) about my complete laziness. Or shall I say, lack of genuine effort.

There are many things, reeling through my head, plans, ideas, all floating around, and acting as wonderful as ever. They are there, and they could have been executed, and I would have liked to see them being executed. Will they??? Naw, not unless I decide to come up with the reasonable effort to back them with.

I can blame it on life situations, worries, TV, never having fun. Well, those aren't excuses, they are just things I use to dodge the self fired bullet.

For examply today (as well as Monday.) I planned to study Monday, and I ended up sleeping, because I had procrastinated on another project, and got only 1 hour of sleep. Today, Wednesday (well, it was, but it changed midway through the entry.) I planned on studying. I got home, but decided to instead catch up about 100 pages of a single webcomic, and also browsed the internet for some webhost, and waited for my current one to respond on some stuff. Then @ 8, mom called me to eat. 8 was the time I had triggered in my mind to study. But, I ate, and then bedazzles was on TV. I sat down and watched that. But wait, then there was "Nip/Tuck." It was starting from the beggining of the season, as repeat, so I sat down and watched that with mom. Yeah, there went 4 hours bye bye.

So now, as I sit here, I realize the same old cycles. I know how much effort it takes to break out and get into a studying mode. I've done it before. It's kinda intense, and is just not as fun as relaxing. Then again, I relax with that pang of bad feelings about not studying in the back of my head.

I thought about devising ways to get myself through it. I planned some in my head. I never went through with them. I thought about talking to someone about it. I have talked to people around me, but just doesn't settle it. I've thought about talking going to a clinic and talking about it. Mom knows a good doctor that might be helpful. About two hours ago, I actually considered that. Although, the only reason I don't do it, is because programmed, in the back of my head, are the words of my mom, that I can get myself out of this, and I just got will myself to do it, and it will happen. I know it's true, because I have done it, but as I said, it takes waaaay more effort than it does for many other things.

Well, I don't feel any better, or worse. Life is okies, and I just move along, and things are fine. The worse that can happen is that I don't get an A. I can get a B or a C. My GPA is good enough to take that hit. Then again, I am taking only two classes so I can focus on them. Truth be told, it was not the classload that was the problem, it was me. I can take 6 classes, and still get A's and B's on them. I know I have the capacity, but where is the effort. I know my abilities, and I know it takes mininal effort for me to do good in those areas. It's just that I am always so near the low effort treshhold, that I end up just sinking into a point were I just don't have an effort to do it.

Granted, I don't fail anything, because I always enter the panic mode, in which I gather info, into a maddening pace (and usually in an almost angry mood) and use it towards passing the classes. Example, I written all my essays the morning before the class, while doing reasearch, and also randomly doing other things. It went fine, I passed, got A's, and that was that.

As I always think, imagine what I could have done if I had applied myself more. Well, I don't because that's the past, and it's done and over it. I can't redo things, so I don't put the effort into them. I get the little amount of effort I have, and try not to, frankly, fuck up my future. I do a good job at that, but still, I can do so much better, if I just apply myself.

I am repeating myself, using different situations. First, complain about situation. Then, complain about effort. After that, the ever repeating realization that I can do better, and soon after, the fact that I am not. Again, Rinse, Repeat.

Again, where is my magic pill. There is the single solution that solves all my problems. Where is my fairy tale fairy godmother that will make everything better. Ehh, those don't exist, and problems aren't solved with a single touch.

Sooo...

I need to get myself in line. It's that simple, and I know it. If I don't, I will perish, and I am well aware of it. I like me. I really really do, and more than other people. I see my flaws, and I see what I need to fix. People tell me how to fix, and what I can do. I try, some things go fine, and other don't. Still, everything balances out to point of origin. I need the tactic that will tip my scale to where it's supposed to be.

Each time I go through this, I progress along, and I just got progress further.

There's isn't much to it. There really isn't. I just need to give meaning towards this goal, and give the effort it deserves. Because it I do, well, I can succeed, and exceed my goals.

The simplicity of what I need to start doing, is that drowns me. I see to far ahead, and add thousands upon thousands of obsticles, that will all block my way in a cunning and clever way. That kills my drive to do it, and I am back to square -1.

Ohh what I am to do?