April 2004 Archives

I was a little big ago, petting cookie (my dog) while talking to mom. His fur was so soft, although he still had bad breath.

Anywho, I later went to take a shower, and just after I come in, I notice my shampoo is missing. I look just outside, on the sink, where my shampoo usually is when it's not in the shower. It's not there, so I just call out mom's name. She just says. "Ohh, your shampoo." I think, "Ok, how did she know?" So, she gives me my shampoo, and informs me that's why the dogs are so fluffy.

I was so glaring at her through the opaque shower doors.

Go into your LJ's archives.
Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
Post the text of the sentence in your lj along with these instructions.

We laughed, and enjoyed the food.

I look at myself in the mirror. I really take a hard look, and see all the parts of my body. I look unfit. I very obviously look unfit.

I look fat. Well, at least, I have little concentrated fat areas. I need to tone up my legs, my mid section, my unlovelly handles, and chest. Those areas just don't look good. The main area that looks just inky, is my semi belly. It's not a belly, belly, but it's enough to look just awful. I don't believe any part of my body should overflow over anything. It should be all nice and packed tight. Sleek fitting, and showing muscles.

I need to go to the gym, and start getting everything all nice.

I cannot make a commitment of when and where at this time. I know that things are not set up for that. As soon as school finishes, and get the the money situation fine, I know I will be able to get back in shape.

It's funny that my skinniest time in the last few years was when I was sitting in a wheelchair. I guess I had no choice but to do a lot of exercising at that time, *hehehe.*

Slowly things are getting better. As always, there are things that can be done to lessen to effect of the financial situation. Those things are being putting in place, and hopefully nothing will break before things are all active.

As it's said, everything gets better, one just have some faith it it. If one doesn't, well one becomes desperate. I am definetly not desperate. *hehehe*

Answers are always around the corner, it's just that some corners are really tight.

Everyone hates finals. Well, unless that just happen to be a master at whatever class they are on, and studied their arses off to a point where they can't teach the material.

I am mildly stressing it. I know I can get an A on both of my classes if I get grades like 70 on my final. An A will require more efford but doesn't seem so far away.

I will have 2 full days of study for my finals. For Computer Science, I just gotta sharpen my error recognition skills, and review the chapters so I get the material right.

For Math, it's going to be a royal pain in the hiney, since there is so much material to go over, and so little time to use. That is the test I am really worried about because I know I have a chance of doing really crappy in it. I am just hoping I can get a B, and an A will be extremelly great.

Anyways, off to class I go. (Ugh)

Heh, so mom will finish her classes in mid june. That means that there are two more months were the money stream at home is going to be extremelly measly.

I am not overly worried about anymore. Well, I am in the back of my head, but the anxiety that comes with it has wained away slowly.

It's hard not to spend money like I usually do. I do have 2 subway sandwiches a week, but that's because I keep forgetting to prepare food and bring it to work. I think I Will do it this week. I have my cereal, which gives me plenty of energy, and otherwise, I usually eat something like an egg sandwich for the rest of the day.

I wish I had as much initiate to limit my money use, on other things that are more useful. At least I know I can apply myself towards something. Also I gotta remember to always eat the cereal in the morning, or else I will feel like buying something, which is bad bad bad.

Otherwise I am doing a great job at slowly letting all my life activities land into stale mode. Hey, stale spends less money than active, and that is good.

I wish things were better right now. I wish things went along the path they were supposed to go.

I don't wish for an easy way to get everything right, but I want to get everything right again. It's a weird feeling to know that I can't pay the bills. I have some money in my bank account right now, but that is going to pay for the car insurance. We can't afford to get it cancelled again.

I've done the whole not pay bills for 1 or 2 months until things get back in line. It's slightly scary every time. This time is a bit more. I know we (mom, sis and I) have things that we can do to make things better. Although, right at this moment, I worry. As soon as school finishes, I will be back to working full time. Working partially full time has really dampered the revenue stream. That is added to the fact that sis is working a bit less then I am. Besides that, there is richie, but that is just a monthly money that barelly helps.

I know things are due, and I don't wanna let them continue to be due. It slowly gets to a point where I have to decide to put gas, or pay bills. Granted, I passed that point already when I think about it. I know very well I can't pay anything. I know after the insurance, I am going to be focusing on food for the house and gas. Nothing else really.

I pretty much don't eat at school, and eat out only 2 times a week. Those times are when I work Saturday and Sunday. I usually get Subway then.

I feel bad that I am in such position. Not for me interestingly, but for other people. I usually can help out someone with a dollar, or so. I can pick up a tab, and give good tips. Now, I can't. When someone asks, I just have to decline, and that hurts. I am used to having things a certain way. Granted, there isn't much I can do about it right now.

As I mentioned, school is over in 2 weeks and 1 day. I am not taking the summer session, since I really need to get things straight. If I take the summer session, things will just get more murky, and that is not really the way I want to go.

I worry, I do indeed worry. I try not to show it too much, but I do.

I worry about the money situation, my job, my body shape, my family, my car, and so on. So pretty much, the money bugs me most of the day. Everytime I look at myself, I see myself gaining weight. My car needs an oil chance, and I should get it checked out, but I can't. My mom is semi-depressed, and my sister, well, my sister is also feeling the situation, but not that much.

It's for a short time, that's what I say. I say that, because it's true, and it will get better. Although, each time the situation cycles towards bad, it's worse then the previous cycle. There is many unexpected that just keep coming, but there isn't space for them.

In the meantime, we just move along, and we do what we have to do. Mom just won a 7 year of community service award. The award was for her volunteer work at the community clinic. I also have gotten some praise from school and such. It's nice, but just a minor bleep.

I don't hate myself, I don't hate my life, but situations are almost crossing into my hate line.

Things are off

I made plans

The plans are off

My life is off

Skewed, Awry, Wonky

I look around, and things are not quite right. They are not quite wrong, but not quite right.

I worry, but

I worry but I don't feel

I do feel the absence, but not the other things that come on the radar

I can react, I show emotion

Yet,

Yet I am blank, null, devoid

Happiness is there

I act in a joyful manner at work

It's a joy of ignoring everything else

Then,

Then things are always back, just waiting for me when I think about them

I'm not scared, but it's scary

I worry, ohh do I worry

Although, the worry doesn't cause me to feel bad

The worry just causes me to think, and ponder

That, is what drags me down

I am optimistic at times

But not in general

I see the bad things, the worse things, and neutral things

Sometimes, I am just brain

Something bad can happen with someone close, and I wouldn't feel anything.

I get teary by TV

Ohh, that is what hits me.

TV has moments that just trigger crying

Yeah, that's what one gets from watching drama, but still

I'm afraid that if someone near me dies, I will just say "Ohh, ok then."

That scares me.

Although, I would be near expecting my reaction to be just that.

I rationalize my emotions, to what I think they should be at times, or just creating a non-emotion to handle it

Although, when some things do happen, I have emotion

Emotion is trapped, and when it comes out, it can be blinding

Although, not to harm anyone, because that just feels bad

I'm weird, but hey, that's the way life goes for me

I planned a lot, and it's all off. It's even more off than when I hadn't planned it.

I cross my fingers, and hope.

Distance is a factor that neither or nor him had controlled over. I knew since the beggining that if distance became an issue that there would never be a chance of having anything together.

So, distance became an issue, and anything happening became non-existant. We are now "just friends." Also know as an amicable ending for anything we had.

I might go hang out with him during the summer, because he is a nice person to hang out with. Granted, it will be just like hanging out with a friend. If that becomes an issue, then we shall just not hang out. Granted, on my point of view do not see it being an issue.

We have been always thruthful about expectations and things since the beggining, so everything ended just fine. Both our journals had hints towards what was coming.

That's about it for now.

I've so get Strep. I am going to the doctor tomorrow. In the meantime, I am just feeling icky.

So, first, as always, I am sleepy.

2. It's fun to watch suraj drive stick

3. I am beyond broke. No money to even pay bills.

4. Hey, I think I still have a chance in Calc.

5. Did I mention sleepiness?

6. ZzzZzz

Well, I was downstairs, "The Shield" started. I was gonna watch it, but naw, it isn't the thing to do. I need to sleep to get things in line. Whose idea was this sucky plan? *hehehehe*

I am taking a hard-line course of action against myself.

Yes, against myself in terms. Against my terrible habits, and cycles that slowly destroy things. That is in my point of view that is. I seem just fine and dandy, and normal to everyone. Well, I see myself that way too, but there are things that need to just be changed around. I gotta change them myself, and with all the help I can munster from myself. I gotta help myself.

It's a simple as that. I give myself lenience, and I get away with things. Things that should have done better, and different.

I allow myself to procrastinate, and not do my best. I allow my self to be lazy, and to loaf. I allow myself to be my own undisciplined irresponsible child. I need to watch over myself, and take care of my issues as they arise.

If I don't take care of me... Who will?

Allo

I think I shall do an entry everday. It will be an exercise of consistency.

News: Sister is extending her gym membership to me and mom. Her job offers that, but she just now thought about it. Yeay, that's my sister. Whether or not I go to the gym, that remains to be seen. Granted, I am so betting on going.

Ahh, just got done formating, and reinstalling windows.

It was fun, and every time I do it, it gets easier. Granted I know exactly where everything is, and how to back it up perfectly. Well, that would be the fact, except that I do forget to copy over a file or two. This time I forgot my main e-mail account file, and mom's. Yeah, a large amount of e-mails just vanished. Although, I am not worried about it, because it's all info I can recover easly.

All drivers up to date, and pretty much all patches applies. I am still getting a few applications back, but I will download them as I need them. I am also going through old files that I used to do previous transfers. They just lay there, and do nothing, it's funny.

This time, I will have all data that I need when I reformat on a separate partition. So, then I can theoretically reformat without worrying about backing up anything. Last time I didn't do that because it was a in a hurry install to get my new P4 working. Now, I have the time to reroute all file paths, and change the settings on everything I install.

Yeah for geeky Marcio.

Life is just uneventful. I have things planned up, but no executison so far.

That's about it for now.

*Dances around a little bit, while brainstorming*

*Grins*

This is an entry.

I was sitting here, pondering and drawing smiley faces on paper plates, because I just happened to be biting the marker. I realized, that the smiley faces were cute, and made me smile. Then, I realized the happy music I am listening to made my brain go away. I was reading 2 fun webcomics.

First, Count Your Sheep. It's a uber cute comic about Katie and Ship. A little girl, and her counting ship. She doesn't actually sleep, but has wonderful little niblets of adventure. The coloring is nifty, and it's always amusing. It updates a lot, so one will never be bored with it. Then again, one can't be bored with Count Your Sheep. Now go to bed! (Hehehehehe, read it, and you will sooooo get it.)

Second, Friendly Hostility. This comic is from the same creator of Boy Meets Boy but it's very much it's own comic. I love how the story is progressing and how Sandra (The "Creatorix" of the comic) draws everything. Also, as I said, the the story is awesome along with the characters. Sometimes I wonder where the ideas come from, but then I remember, Sandra just rocks, and I gotta take it as that. *grins.* Go read it, it's worth the time.

Ahh, there always is a follow up post.

I wrote But... in a sea of things I didn't really know, and as always imagined the worse.

Although, I said what I said, as I always do.

I had a chance to have a slightly longer chat with Paul. As I mentioned, he is usually busy with this and that, and steps away from the computer without leaving away messages, and in the middle of chats. It's something that he just does, so I can't do anything about it.

Also, there has been some Drama with his frat, so he has also been randomly away because of that. The drama is not his drama, but just necessady drama for things to resolve along with everthing else that goes on.

That all is on top of the fact that he has multiple classes, voice lessons, and also instrument lessons during the day. That along with him doing Stage Managing, along with having distracting roomates. Ohh, and there is the whole fact that he has to sleep, and eat. Eating usually involves having to go get food from the Cafeteria @ his school. Also, he likes to go on walks, and do other activities. So, between all that, he does sometimes get to chat. So, it's understandable why he is hard to reach, and is random to disappear.

Then, again, I just might be sugar coating my own negativeness. Yes, it's a reasaonable, feisable, and very much belieavable and in fact true explanation. I've seen it, read it, and heard about it. Again, there is nothing I can do, but just chill out, and hope everything goes alright with him.

Although, I don't want to get to a point where I am so outside the situation, that I am literally outside. Since, that is just a point where there is no longer anything. Well, we shall see.

I thought
I just thought
I wanted to but
I was going to but
I tried to but
I got cut off
I saw smiles
I saw grins
I saw hugs

I typed a message
I sent a message
I got a busy signal
I tried again
I thought I got hrough
I thought I had a chance to talk
I thought

I tried the good outlook
I tried to see based on circumstances
I thought it was that
I may have thought wrong

I don't know what now
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say

Am I being annoying
Am I bugging
Am I not worth time
Am I ever worth anything

Memories were good
I didn't see bad
I worried yes
I always worry

I was told not to worry
Yet...

Yet I worry
Yet there is a reason to worry
Yet there are things
There are things that I thought were right
There were things that I thought I about

I thought about you
I contacted you

Did I get through
Did I get through to you?
Did I?

Again,
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to react
I don't know what to say

I have emotions
I would have conveyed them
Whatever they were

I thought about it
I decided to chill out
I decided to not worry

I waited a bit
I waited more
I worry
I don't like to worry
I didn't mean to worry

Life moves along
Life goes on
Life is full of things

Things I do
Things you do
Things everyone does

Are things broken?
Are they?

My mind leads me on
It creates thousands of circumstances

I am sure it was meant well
There was nothing bad
Everything is fine
Everything is clear
Everything is flowing smooth
Everything is going along
Everything is falling apart?

I don't think so
I don't hope so
I don't know

I can just imagine
I can just guess
I can just make my own assumptions
But...

But it's not good to assume
One can get the wrong idea
What is the wrong idea
Just not the idea that was right

I tried talking again
I left a message
I stupudly tried again
Got a few words back
Not many

Away
Away it went
Away was the sign

* I don't know how to proceed
* I will just let it flow along
* I will make the decision once I can talk
* Then again, if I can't talk after trying a few more times, the decision will have made itself

** I don't want things to end in such manner

Paul?

Allo.

Work fun, got new phones, everyone will be confused tomorrow.

Initial Plan: Play Pool. Naw, Paras was just coming back from pool Hall. So, Suraj decided Starbucks (aka. Starfucks)

We got drinks, and met up with Paras and Gerardo (I think that is the name, but my name memory is as reliable as a Windows ME Celeron Emachine)

We meet up, then walk to Sports Time Grill. Well, we were going to eat there, but... The crowd was a bit well. Paras had a description, but I don't remember, so I will paraphrase poorly: We were all minority's, and they were all white, play white supremacist music. Pretty much, everyone was white, and a specific looking white. I would say suburban white near trash to be fair. It was pretty much that. We went in, played 2 rounds of pool, and just left. Paras got 2 of those cue polishing things, just in case we got into a fight. Since people would glare at us ocasionally.

Soooo, we just went to Applebees, your friendly neighboorhood place. Well, that's how they market it. Anywho, food was good, but the conversation was very much interesting.

We talked about Surge's argument with his sister quite extensivelly. We pretty much got all that could be discussed out of it. Although, the conversation was mainly between Paras and Suraj.

We then talked about other fun stories. Suraj and girls story was interesting. Paras sexual gaps was fun to talk about. Which was also part of a 'self-lovin' discussion. We talked about the once then more exponential syndrome. That was a topic of deep thought, heheh. Gaps in periods, and their effects. Suraj suggested no sexual anything doing the week before and @ finals. To which, he was struck down by Paras, Gerardo, and I. Final weeks? I don't think so.

Hehe, and along the same lines. I was previously asked if I had done anything with Paul. I was like, nothing much. And they asked, have you done anything without pants, and I said, well, again, nothing much. Which later brought me to the fact that Paul was over here, and we were in bed, and later we realized my webcam was there. My webcam has existed since 2000, and it's always on, so I am completelly unphased by it being there. It's just normal. Then, later I was asked if I j/o on cam. I was like, I would I do it ON the cam. That would be silly. Again, no, I don't do it while being viewed by cam. Of course, the cam shows pretty much upper body shots, so it would be unknown to what is happening anywhere else. Except in my bed, which the cam was full view on, but I pretty much use my bed for sleeping. Ohh, and I don't care if someone sees me in my sleep attire. Which is undies, and undershirt.

Anywho, the talking was hillarious, and there are many other points that are not even mentioned here. Ohh, and while everyone was straight, Gerardo was "Metrosexual." I was asked if I knew what that was indirectly. I said of course I know what it is. Although in my head, I was thinking "A gay guy not knowing what is metrosexual, would be the same as a straight guy not knowing what was muff diving." *grins*

Anywho, t'was a fun fun day, and I got to meet a kewl new person. YEAY for that I say. Now, I just need to kidnap gerardo's teeth and get mine aligned like that. Very good upkeep job. Granted, after my braces and bleaching, my will be very much snazzy.