Not quite derailing

I wish things were better right now. I wish things went along the path they were supposed to go.

I don't wish for an easy way to get everything right, but I want to get everything right again. It's a weird feeling to know that I can't pay the bills. I have some money in my bank account right now, but that is going to pay for the car insurance. We can't afford to get it cancelled again.

I've done the whole not pay bills for 1 or 2 months until things get back in line. It's slightly scary every time. This time is a bit more. I know we (mom, sis and I) have things that we can do to make things better. Although, right at this moment, I worry. As soon as school finishes, I will be back to working full time. Working partially full time has really dampered the revenue stream. That is added to the fact that sis is working a bit less then I am. Besides that, there is richie, but that is just a monthly money that barelly helps.

I know things are due, and I don't wanna let them continue to be due. It slowly gets to a point where I have to decide to put gas, or pay bills. Granted, I passed that point already when I think about it. I know very well I can't pay anything. I know after the insurance, I am going to be focusing on food for the house and gas. Nothing else really.

I pretty much don't eat at school, and eat out only 2 times a week. Those times are when I work Saturday and Sunday. I usually get Subway then.

I feel bad that I am in such position. Not for me interestingly, but for other people. I usually can help out someone with a dollar, or so. I can pick up a tab, and give good tips. Now, I can't. When someone asks, I just have to decline, and that hurts. I am used to having things a certain way. Granted, there isn't much I can do about it right now.

As I mentioned, school is over in 2 weeks and 1 day. I am not taking the summer session, since I really need to get things straight. If I take the summer session, things will just get more murky, and that is not really the way I want to go.

I worry, I do indeed worry. I try not to show it too much, but I do.

I worry about the money situation, my job, my body shape, my family, my car, and so on. So pretty much, the money bugs me most of the day. Everytime I look at myself, I see myself gaining weight. My car needs an oil chance, and I should get it checked out, but I can't. My mom is semi-depressed, and my sister, well, my sister is also feeling the situation, but not that much.

It's for a short time, that's what I say. I say that, because it's true, and it will get better. Although, each time the situation cycles towards bad, it's worse then the previous cycle. There is many unexpected that just keep coming, but there isn't space for them.

In the meantime, we just move along, and we do what we have to do. Mom just won a 7 year of community service award. The award was for her volunteer work at the community clinic. I also have gotten some praise from school and such. It's nice, but just a minor bleep.

I don't hate myself, I don't hate my life, but situations are almost crossing into my hate line.