November 2004 Archives

Well, what if what if. Yes, what if I followed through my wonderous strict manners. Have so much self control that I won't give myself gimmies, or just accidentally come upon a situation that I planned not to.

What if? Yes, that would be interesting. I am willing to try it, yet, in the back of my head, I give myself a escape from my own rules. A few free passes to do what I wasn't going to.

What if I ended those free passes? Yeah, self control would be needed. I can't justify watching 2 hours of TV, because I was watching TV for 10 mins while eating. The 10 minutes don't call for the 2 hours, but hey, I rationalize, and end up watching it for a long time.

What if I followed through? Yeah, completelly, and absolutelly follow my gameplan without deviation. Only I can better myself, or put myself in a better sitatuion. If I'm the one allowing the slacking off, there's nothing anyone can do.

What if I didn't cut myself some slack? Who am I kidding right? Well, actually it's something to think about. I think that if I create the rules, I can just break them if I don't like it, or if I just have an urge to do something.

Well, there's an easy solution that's hard. Just do it. If I look in my archives, I'll probably see a "juts do it" somewhere.

Now, the gameplan, is to follow some of my old strict rules. No turning back, and no accidentally falling out of them. None of that will be accepte this time. I don't wan to be sitting in the couch, watching TV for 3 hours, when I just know I have some homework to finish. Feeling that pang of guilt, because I know I have to do it, yet I can't bring myself to.

Yep, it's good to do some reflection about things. And I've been thinking about the items in this entry for the past few days. That's because I've fallen back on many things that I vowed to be strict about. As a result I lost lots and lots of time, that could be used for my coding project and such.

Granted, there is no point in reflection about things in the past, that I cannot change. As this entry points, the focus is from now on, the future. That's what I gotta get in better shape.

That, indeed, is what I'll do.

I can't start this sentence without reapating things I've said many times before. It always happens when a twisted sense of relative normal settles back in.

Things are not as normal, but are still doing just fine.

I'm happy about some things. My family, as a whole, has pretty much settled on the fact I'm obviously gay. I mean trully settled into it. They still keep grandma out of it, but bleah, whatever on that. But yeah, it's a know fact, and it's something that they stopped trying to change. I don't really get asked the "so, do you have a girlfriend?" kind of questions. I get asked if I'm seeing someone. It's more neutral, but it's a sign that everyone is with it right now.

It took time, and there was turbulence getting myself into my skin. Granted, I was in it all the time, and usually acted the way I've always have, but conflicts with other people made things a bit inky. Now, it's all gone, and things roll along just fine.

It's weird, but I'm happy with it. I don't plan on chaning things, or changing period. I have the things that I can improve, but they are just enchancing things tha t I naturally have, not trying to create a new me. Mom did mention that I could acquire some patience, but I just have to improve my very short amount of it *grins.*

Anywho, I was gonna completelly talk about something else, but this thought just hit me, and I thought about putting it down. I'm glad I did, since it's liberating.

And life continues. Happy eh?

Ahh, the lights twinkle in the retail world, where everyone is getting
ready for christmas, and the shopping season.

Here @ work, we have a continuosly diminishing staff. Russell, our
leader in the front end, will be gone Dec 5. Indeed, that will be
something of note. It's right in our finals week. Times when we need
to be off and study. Indeed, that'll be a pain in the ass.

Me personally, I'm going to get some time off whether they want me to
or not, because fuck it if I'm gonna be hurt by my work. I don't think
so.

It's going to be sheer annoyance to be without a manager again. We had
a little time off from Russell before, but now he's not coming back.
Suraj as always will probably take over the roll of a pseudo Russell.
He always does that, and it's obviously apparent. He has school, and
life to worry about, yet he works many many more hours than he
normally should, breaking his back for this company. That's his cut of
tea, so whatever.

We'll see what happens this holiday season. I'm sure everyone is in
for a treat. (yes, sarcasm, lots of it, in copius amounts)

Ahh, yes, Thanksgiving. T'was a fun one. I visited aunt, ate a bit
there, then came home while mom prepared the dinner.

This time the amount of guests was down to the house people. That's
pretty much mom, me, sis, her bf and richie (a.k.a. the roomate)

Food, as typical was 110% delicious. There was turkey, stuffed
chicken, cornbread, rice, forafa (toasted yuca flour with corn, and
bits o meat), seasoned corn, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, potato
salad, and so on.

As the classical thanksgiving thing, there will be leftover for some
time to come. Partial means, and sandwiches comprised of all the items
on the table for days to come. It's only natural. *grins*

Ahh, there's money to pay mom's car. That's very good indeed. The car
loan people were starting to call, and I dislike them. Also, all the
callers had a wonderfully fake american accent. It was clear they had
learned british english, and on still deeper was their indian accent.
Bleah, can't we just have people using real accents, from wherever
they are. Don't fake the accent just for the sake of it, or because
that's the directive. Anywho, of the fake accent rant.

Now, there's money to mantain things a bit longer, which is good.
Also, since it's the 6th month of the Insurance, there's no dues.
That's always the case since the insurace is comprised of only 5
installments. It's ever so helpful that this is the case.

I have interesting things to say, and quips to quip, but my brain says
quit, and I need so sleep. Gotta greet all those smiling faces
tomorrow, and stay happily at work, for those deliciously long holiday
hours of joy. Now, where's that gu... Gleeful and Festive holiday tie
of mine *grins.*

Ahh, I'm in a good mood, and that's definetly good.

Having time to sleep was sure a plus. It gets that constant cranky
feeling out of the system. Now that I have been that way, but still
*grins.*

Here at work, things are not bad. We are in the holiday season, and
naturally things are a bit hectic, but that's how it happens. I don't
mind it much, as long as I take time to cool down a bit. Also, it
gives great opportunity for those delicious overtime hours. Granted, I
will still want time for school, but I have this week off.

Plenty of projects to do for my CS classes. They are still graded, but
I like doing them, it's challenging, and I also learn plenty of useful
things. Next semester ought to be an interesting one. It will have
many challenges, but I'll be able to make time, and take care of them.

Things are amicable with everyone around me, so joy joy to that.

As always, the situation starts to get better. Little by little it
seems that things will sustain themselves and nothing will go down.
There's a dwindle of money in, and budgets have been figured for
things to go well. There's a few loose ends, like mom's car, that need
to be resettled, but that should be soon. There's a plan, it's going
along, and everything should be just fine.

It's usually like this, a cycle of bad, with a rebound that usually
solves things. A few key things are all getting back in place, so
everything is start to be happy again.

Hopefully there'll be no more whiny entries from me for a bit. *grins*

I'm at work, and I can see the holiday evil just starting to creep up.
I need to run far far away. Retail is the beast.

Ahh, some interesting bits of news amidst the sea of ucky.

My dad FINALLY caught up with the information age. He has recently
become the proud owner of an e-mail account.

In the US, that is a shock of course, how can someone can go so long
without one, but he's in Brazil. Also, he's a very carefree guy, who's
usually working on fixing car parts, or out in the wild climbing
something, in some ocean, or in a beachside place somewhere.

The last person one would expect to have a computer, or even an e-mail
account it would be him. Yet, he has gotten one, and one of the first
people that e-mailed him, was of course my mom (mind the fact that
they are divorced, but they are still friends.)

I was happy, and also amused at the whole thing. He was super excited,
and is proud to be able to e-mail us. My remaining family in Brazil is
a bit more caught up. We've had cam chats with them, and all sorts of
things.

Now, here comes the kicker. I barelly talk to my dad, since I hate
phone calls. Also, it's just annoying to have the same kinda convo
over and over again. I do not mind typing e-mails, and this entry is
being posted via e-mail, matter of factly.

I can e-mail him, and get caught up on thins easly. Also, I can do it
when I feel like, and he will reply when he wishes. There's no need to
devote time to a long distance phone call. Also, the obvious thing, is
that it's free. It makes me wonderful if I will go this step to
connect with him.

Mom's advice, as always is something along the lines of "Talk to your
dad now, while you can, and while he is alive. When he's dead you are
going to wish you did."

So, that compels me to actually e-mail him...

We shall see.

Yes, that's it. That's all the money. I am REALLY relying on the fact
that sister is going to give me money. Also, I am REALLY hoping when
Richie moves in, he will give some rent money. On top of that, I am
REALLY hoping the Hertz refund falls into my account.

That money will be less in about 4 hours. Reason being, I gotta put
gas on my car, and that's hella expensive. Well, compared to Cali,
it's just a little bit, but it's annoying enough for me.

Others around me, are in a similar situation. A lot of people at work
are hard pressed for money, and that's just scary. Unfortunatelly, I
can't do anything to help out, since I'm riding on the same boat.

Now, to just top if off a little bit, one of me teeth is starting to
hurt. Yeah, that's just great. I don't have money to go to the
dentist, yet, if it gets worse, I'm just going to be rampant, which at
this time is not good. Finals are fast approaching, and besides, I'll
have far too many irksome customers for the holiday. With pain, my
thrshhold for dealing with them will slowly decrease. If it goes too
low, then I'll just blow up. I would rather not do that.

I've been taking time to sit down, and just rest, and recompose myself
latelly. It's rather nice, since this keeps my mind clear of worries,
and helps me calm down plenty.

Just a random lil bit of venting. I asked Allison to use to phone, I
just wanted to call my mom and tell her I forgot my celly @ home, but
she said no, no personal calls.

That just took my mood from a happy confortable to irked. Well, she's
the one that makes the rules, so I can't say anything. Robert said I
could, but she questioned him theathening her authority. Whatever
frankly. I just ended up texting her that I forgot my celly at home,
but chances are, she will not get the message, since she doesn't
really know that well how to check messages. I might try to find a
phone that dials out for free later (if I can find one of those) and
call her.

Ahh, I like when something I do, makes things better. Well, betterf or
me at least, but that's good enough. Mom cleaned my car recently, she
took all the junk out, and I've actually been able to keep the car
clean. Everytime when I come home, I take all the stuff that shouldn't
be in the car, and bring it in. Empty cereal cups, ties, random
paperwork I threw around, and miscellaneous pieces of clothing. All
those items come in the house with me, and go to their respective
places.

It's conforting to be able to keep things nice and clean. I get in my
car, and it makes me feel good. I too the chaos out of that area, and
I'm mighty glad of it. Slow things sync together at a nice place, and
I get all the benefits.

Ohh Happy.

Ahh, just to test what would happen, I posted an online profile on a
pernals site. Hell, one never knows where that stuff ends, so I just
thought I would try.

It might be a good idea, or it might just annoy me, but I highly doubt
it will go awry. I was a bit reluctant, just live I've been for all
this time, but sometimes one just gotta see where something leads.

It was interesting to see a few familiar (2 exes) faces while browsing
through all the profiles. Having my usual expectations, I doubt I'll
get even a hello from it. Then again, I have no idea what other people
are thinking, and I don't have any bearing on the decisions. Well,
aside from the info on my profile, and my picture. I don't know what
they will think, or what the hell their decision is going to be.

In the meantime, I'll just let this experiment be. If something good
comes out of it, that's more than I expected, so that's good.

Well, I'm kicking it up a notch, based on what happened to my
strictness latelly. I got rid of plenty of porn on my computer.
Granted, I've watched them all anyways, so eventually I'll get new
one. Also, it free up a hell of a lot of space.

As far as chatting goes, I said a temporary bye to the people I talk
to, and mentioned that I was taking a hiatus.

It's nice to take a break out of everyone once in a bit, and it should
benefit me. Well, at least I'm telling myself that *grins.*

I've got plenty of stuff to do, and little time to spare, so I'll be
getting on to it like there's no tomorrow. Everyone needs a change
every once in a bit, and I feel it's time for me to do so.

I called hertz, they realised the screwed up on my credit, and the
manager of that location will be sending the additional request for
the remainder of my money to be credited.

Their lack of attention was what got me in this situation in the first
place, and it's obvious they are still not paying attention to what
they are doing. It's amazing that after so many calls they still
manage to screw up the amount of the credit.

I still gotta see if I'm blacklisted with them by trying to rent a car
at another location. Probably if I step into the store, they will
think I'm a bad customer, just like customers that repeatedly call the
store here at work. But, it took me that many calls just to get a
stupid error correct. If the full credit was back into my account, it
would have helped a lot, since I would have an extra $50 to work with
in my already short budget.

I shall just wait and see that gets screwed up next. Getting my car
repaired was not worth all the annoyinaces I had, and still have.

So...

I'm all going strict and all, but darn that porn. I was innocently not
looking at porn, and not doing anything with it, but darn did it just
happen to be on my computer, and well, long story long, what a waste
of time that was. But again, it's to prove my point that it can be a
time waster for me. The fact that I was on an old chatroom with all my
good friends didn't help me gain any time. I just need to completelly
have the programs off so I don't accidentally read an interesting
conversation, and pitch in.

Man, but it's so many interesting convos and discussion, bleah that.

I originally had planned to get some study in. I also was thinking
about going to see a really bad movie with a friend. I ended up not
doing that, even though I planned on it, but then I was not in going
out clothing and was just relaxing.

That was a fun lil test, and I know I have to just press on a lil bit
harder to get things in an organized fashion.

To the drawing board! (or some other catchy phrase)

I didn't want to do the true hiatus from chat, but when one gets in a
good chat, the convo goes on and on, so as I said, I'll just have to
close it up, and not even log on anymore. The porn was a small part of
the time, but the chat, that was a big part.

So, my sister decided to pitch in and help a bit. It's not much, but
that's kewl of her. Hopefully things will go all fine and dandy as I
hope.

Woosh it goes. My my, I puzzled be.

I can't spend ANY money at all. I have 2 weeks, and around under 80
bucks to spend. So evil...

Fingers are crossed on nothing extranuous happening. My tires gotta
hold on just a bit longer.

Sooo, I get to stay home, and not buy anything for the next 2 weeks.
That ought to be oodles of fun. I could ask sister if she has any
spare moolah, granted the chances of her actually giving me any money
is about... 10% at best.

I've not reach a point so extrenuous in quite some time now. Well,
I'll just deal, like always, and just watch my bank acount slowly
creep towards the single digit border.

Anywho, it's not really as bad as it seems, aside from the really
really bad part. *grins*

Now, I'm just wondering if I should go watch seed of chucky tonight
(for free.) I'll ponder it over Assembly.

So, the fundamental error of more bills the money is at hand.

Mom will have to figure out a way to pay her car, and she said she
will. If she manages something, it will be rather amazing, since not
many people can come up with 500 dollars in around 3 days with the
snap of a finger.

We shall see what happens. In the meantime, I'll just hope that things
are paid before their cut off date. By cut off, I mean disconnection.
The first one on the list is my internet in 1 1/2 weeks, the power in
2 1/2 weeks, and then the water in 3 weeks. It's amouts to avoid
interuption are small, and I'm sure I can fenegle something or
another.

I've applied for a credit card, and will have the answer in about 1
week. I probably got denied. There are no more reasonable credit card
offers around, so I'm not gonna apply for any others. The only reason
I'm applying is so I can hold things over while we wait for houses to
sell. Mom's slowly accomulating houses on the market, so things are
looking up.

I'm just crossing my fingers, and hoping for the best.

Oight then.

I've had no house phone line for a week+ now. We've had 3 technicians over at the house since this all started. The first said it was a problem inside the house, and Bellsouth said they could send someone and charge us $140 bucks. Well, I said fuck that. So then, we called again, the second guy was puzzled mainly, but said the problem was outside, seemed somewhere along the pathlines. The third guy tested everything, and conclude that the test was farther along, and near the phone central. In the meantime, out home phone doesn't ring, and goes straight to voicemail, since there is no signal for that line per se.

I'm just wondering what the hell. They said it's all the construction people around out neightboorhood, and the fact that the are constantly clipping lines and screwing things up bit by bit.

We're @ home, are just waiting to see how this little problem will be solved.

So, I've decided to get a few things strict again.

Starting tuesday after I wake up, there'll be some rules that I've set to make things efficient.

Gotta clean my room, and my car.
Gotta go to sleep on a a reasonable time.
No more TV, since that wastes time.
No more porn, since that wastes time.
Hiatus from chatting with my friends online.
Computer used for useful things, and school.
De-attaching linked behaviours.
Zero Tolerance on junk food and sweets.
Set time to wind down in parts of the day.
Clean up computer file clutter.
Organize weight project files.

I need to do those things, because if I don't, this clutter, and mess will just keep making everthing fuzzy. I've talked many times before about getting things in order, and I do go farther each, and every time. This time, will be strict, and I know it damn well, but it server a purpose.

As always, I will be working through things, and will post them on my blogs. It helps plenty to do it, and also I have a trackback into it.

Okay, is that period again. The period where the money goes down to a point it becomes really dangerous. This month, bills will not be caught up.

I might get a credit card for interim charges. I hate doing so, but the situation is down to a dangerous crunch. I gave mom time to get some things set, and she did get things in motion, but we are still waiting for the return, and in the meantime we gotta survive.

The car and the insurance will probably get paid, and I won't need anything extra on that. Every other bill, will just remain in the air. It's wonky, but for foods, we use grandmas food card, since she lives with my aunt, and doesn't fully use it. Sis is not really assisting that much, but I can't do much about that one.

I try not to think about the situation, since it drive me up the walls slightly. As always, I just sit, and as things happen, we come up with ways to solve them, and that's the best with can do, since we don't have much to work with.

*shrug*

So, Richie is coming to live back in the house. He did leave the house previously, but since then, life has gotten better, and things that were supposed to happen happened.

So now, the person who he rooms with is moving somewhere. He could live with his father, but that would have been too far. Living here, he would be 5 minutes away from work, and also would be able to have an ample room. So, since he has changed, and bettered his company, we are letting him moving back in. It's not like we would have denied if he had asked previously, but he asked now, so there.

The good thing, is now he has his own car, so he doesn't become something that has to be dealt with. He's just a roomate, that's also family like, so it's all good. Again, it's nice that he ditched some of his more unsavory friends, and his bad influce girlfriend.

Hey, also, he will pay rent, which is might fine with me. Since I manage all the little numbers after the dollar sign.

About 2 days ago, someone tried to open our garage door at night. It
was freeeeaky. The good thing, is that it doesn't open, because it's
broken, but will still whir away, enough to wake people up. Mom was
freaked out about it, but it's all good, noone came in.

Also, the phone lines don't work, it's something with the box outside
the house. Very freaky indeed...

The gas people are eeevil, but they are paid now.

So, last wednesday I kinda sorta got a speeding ticket. There was this
huge ass truck, that was dropping boxes around the road, and I didn't
wanna be behind him, so I sped up, and passed him. Well, to my luck,
there was Mr police officer sitting right over there. As soon as I
passed the truck, he pulled right behind me, and a few second later,
there were those ever so recognizable flashing blues.

Yeah, he laser clocked me 53 on a 35. I just sat there, gave him my
docs, and he camly wrote the ticket. He was a nice police office, and
not bad looking either, but I still got a ticket, and that's what
sucks. I gotta call in, and find out how much money I have to send in.

I thought I would never get a ticket, but then again, I'm human.