January 2005 Archives

Ahh, today was a day of ice, and plenty of slush. Cars were dancing, and the side of ice being crushed filled the air. Car doors were frozen shut, and mittens and gloves were the item of the day.

With the a layer of ice on the road, I still went to work. A little (lot) later than usual, but man, it's so much fun getting the ice from the car, that I just had to do it for a long time *grins.*

Work was ever so slow, and did have a few (mildly insane) customers that came in to shop. Most of the people called out, so we ended up ordering some pizza. All was good, everyone was happy, and we ended up closing early.

I did try something new today. I went down the driveway with our wonderful makeshift cardboard sleds.

I took pictures of this icey day, with all it's slush. Just click over here to see those nice winter pictures.

I was going to take some pics @ work, and on the way, but somehow I forgot my memory card at home. Oops...

I stand here, outside all clicks.

How do I manage this? I'm friendly, people that know me have nothing but good things to say about me, yet, I don't seem to have many (any) friends.

Again, it all depends on how you define friend. I have people I know, and would say hi at times, and if they saw me they would wave. I have those. They are nice people, and I like them. Some are listed in various friend networks I have online, and so on. I've hanged out with them a time or two. I've even got people on my cell phone, and I've called them in the past. So, in theory, they are all friends. Yet, I feel I don't really have them.

Is it that I don't try to mingle too much? Is it because of my schedule? Is it because of common interests? Is it because they are all busy? Is it because I just never made much of an effort?

It's all those things to a point really. The first being the amount of effort I put into things. I try to keep my friends, and I do indeed keep them to some level. Just not to a very close point.

Do I have a fear of having close friends? I don't know, I would like to think not.

I guess I just seem rather transparent most of the times. I don't seem really there. Which is why I'm not really considered most of the times. In the past I have said no a little bit more than yes to the (very few) times I was invited somewhere. Granted, a lot of times it was scheduling conflicts, or me just being a muck and feeling inadequate about going, even though I would probably have liked it.

As I mentioned before, I don't feel lonelly, in a sense of not having a significang other. That is something superfluous to most things. What I do feel at times, is my high degree of transparency. I'm by myself pretty much all the time. I could go places, but it feels odd. I do go with my sister every so often or wal-mart or such, but that's about that.

I've gone shopping, or to the mall by myself, it feels lonely. I've ate out by myself a decent amount of times, it's a rather empty experience. I've walked downtown, and visited places by myself. It was interesting to see the sights, but again, it just felt mute. I do like to people watch, and sometimes I love to spend some time by myself, but not all the time.

I've hanged out with groups. For example, the alliance (school group) was great. People were friendly, we had activities planned out and all. Problem is, this semester, I just can't attend anything because of work. Also, I've met a decent amount of good people @ Rampway. Although there, it now feels empty and out of place. I sit down, and the only thing I get asked, is when I will be writing an article. I haven't been to the office, since there's no place for me there anymore I guess.

Work is just work, the people there are just people. I get to know them, I talk to them at times, but still, everything revolves around work. Granted, I've been invited to a place or two, but at times, I just didn't click into place.

It sucks really, but what can I do. It's something that seems outside my scope.

Well, now that I pretty much trashed my own sense of inner worth, and a lot of other things, I'm going to end this entry, since it's starting to hurt. (This kinds of entries always do)

Ahh, I seem to love analyzing myself don't I?

Well, ok, I'm easly getting into the swing of things at school. So far things all click together, and I'm understanding the material. All the breaks are great for reading up a bit more on the material before class. (Aside: I *heart* my IPOD)

The material so far seems interesting, and I have to to do my homework. I'm even going to the math assistance lab for my Calc II class. I do the problems, then, next day, I go to the lab, and they help me iron out the kinks in my problems. It's a joy, and since I'm not letting things go undone, I'm 100% caught up.

Labs start next week. Should be easy, since I now know what I'm expected to do. Last semester it was such a rush to do labs, and I barelly had time. This semester I get a decent amount of time, and will do my best to make sure everything is neat and complies with the given instructions.

Physics is about to start getting heavy, I'm still getting into gear with that one. I guess I just have to sit down with my book, and have a little absorbing session. As long as I keep all my formulas, and the way I derivate things in line, it should be a cinch.

As always, I shall see what happens. Why worry about all the tangents, when there's but a few things that can go wrong. Although, I always make sure that I get things ready in a way that it should turn out well. Ohh boy, this paragraph was a ramble.

I'm single. I'm aware of it. It doesn't worry me. It's odd really.

I've got on singles website. I'm on a variety. It's odd really.

There are many out there, each boasting about size and match-ability. Almost 90% seem to charge something or another. As much as monthly dial-up subscription.

I don't pay, I just do nothing really on them. I'm there, registed. I browse some, and I see people I know. I don't send messages, but I do reply. I've talked to one or two people, and that was just that, a wind of yapping, and the breeze wained.

I don't mind being single. It's normal for me really, with plenty of half-none relationships, with most of them being nothing to start with. I keep in contact with none really, since things all ended up awkward and weird.

I'm not lonelly. I've always enjoyed having time for myself, and I have all that I want of it.

Granted, I'm out there, somewhere, and it somethings hits me (better yet, hits on me) it's all good. We shall see how it all pans out, and hey if not, live moves along.

I don't wait for anything, I don't expect anything.

I walk around, I don't expect a second look. I blend in, and fade out. If someone notices, cheers, but what can I do? I guess there's just no drive for it right now, although, I wouldn't mind it.

Again, it's all odd. I feel it inside me, and know that I would like things to go in a certain route, yet, there's no road there apparently.

It's all so odd, it feels so odd, and I can't really fully explain what goes on.

Alright, first, I've been in a abreviation mood, so everything gets one, and for concepts it goes doubly so.

Now, that we got that out of the way, on with it...

I haven't gotten in the school mood yet. I'm not 100% commited to studying, and doing all that reading, and so on.

That's bad, and it's lack of discipline. It's easy to fix, I just need MD. It's a matter of state of mind really, since I'm capable of doing everything required I just have to "flip the switch" and turn it all up to MD. So, that's what I'll do, and everything will go smoothly. Is there any other option? NO!

Gotta plan things out, and cut some other things out. I've done this before, hence, why it's not a problem. I'm just hoping that once I get into the rhythm, everything keeps moving along. We shall see how that goes.

Anywho, just getting my plan in line, and blogging about it helps get into the mindset.

As always, I've allocated time on my schedule by creating things to fill them, and yet, there was plenty of empty space that gives me time to catch up with things and do what I need to do. I have plenty of space in between classes, so now I can read chapters for class, and do some homework, gotta love that.

Ahh, and the kicker, is that I'm considering dropping one of my classes without changing anything else on my schedule. It's a class that I wasn't sure about, and with my work schedule I really can't feasably do 18 credit hours without going bonkers. I know the load will get hyper heavy in a few weeks, and this particular class has assigments due every week, and they require many hours of server access, and creating scripts. I do want to take that class, and it would be a fun class, but I have to allocate that time to my other classes. With that class being dropped it gives me the perfect time to finish my phisics labs and whomework, and also catch up with my math assigments.

Since I dropped both classes last semester, I know how much load comes with them. Again, an example how I allocate space for myself. I will not compromise my time with work. I already have a set time for work, and that will not change under any circumstances for any reasons whatsoever, ever. I will not compromise. I have done that in the past and got Royally screwed. My job has a way of doing that.

Absorbing things in school evenly so far. Granted, this week has been not but a little basic this and that, and a tad bit of review. Nothing grand or overlydifficult.

I've been able to keep up with the reading material, and always make sure to get a basic knwoledge of the chapters I need before I come to class. It does help plenty to know what the heck the teacher is talking about, since I'll need to remember it forever and ever (well, at least to the end of the semester, hehe.)

I've got a basic system to allocate my time, and so far things have been going well. Granted I slept tuesday and today a whooooole lot. I guess i'm just making up a little for lost sleep over the past few weeks.

I'm still adjusting to sleeping early and waking up early. I have no problem with the waking up early, since I don't often oversleep, the only problem is getting myself in bed before my clock turns to midnight. That indeed has been very dificult. I have a knack of keeping myself awake for much longer than I would normally need.

It's amazing how much less stress I cause myself if I do things ahead of time, or within the alloted timespan instead of leaving it all for the last minute. Again, that is all in theory, and if I do it this year, hooray for me.

Ahh, and being late to things has lessened a bit, I think this year will be a good year. *crosses fingers* *grins*

School school school...

That's what's on my mind, and this time, I bring gifts.

Well, I gave myself school related (and not so related) things.

This year, I have...

* Computer Science 3320. SYSTEM-LEVEL PROGRAMMING (002)
* Computer Science 3410. Data Structures (003)
* Computer Science 4330. PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE CONCEPTS (003)
* Mathematics 2212. Calculus II (003)
* Physics 2211k. Physics I (001)

It ought to be fun, and let's not forget that I am at school ALL DAY mondays and wednesdays. Yes, all day, just there, it's going to be rather interesting to see how it all works out (ugh, and some more ugh.)

I will do my best to reduce my hours at work, since work will kill me five times over if I don't drop it. Anywho, it shall be a fun little semester, and I'll make the best of it.

Ahh, let the adventures begin.

New Year, with new numbers.

That demands resolutions and foreshadowing of the upcoming year.

Let's see...

* I've already lost a decent amount of weight, so this year, is the year to tone up.
* Also, this year, is the year to eliminate being lazy with my studies.
* This year, I really need to help mom launch her career (which helps me back just as much.)
* Search for (and hopefully get) an apprenticeship or something of the sort.
* Lower my hours/quit my current slightly evil job.
* Work out an effective way to keep my life organized (I have plenty of ineffective ways.)
* Somehow lessen, and better manage stress in my life.
* Attempt to meet new people.
* World Peace, a basket of puppies, and a field of flowers... Or NOT.
* Learn a new language. Because languages are fun.
* Soften ways I deal with people. Sarcasm sometimes should be left alone *grins.*
* World domination, and a best selling book. No? Alright, no biggie.
* Work on some overdue personal projects.
* Eat more chicken... Hold on, no, damn those ad cows. They brainwash ya.
* Get braces. Yep, that's a long long LONG overdue one, my gosh, I sure need to.
* Have more fun this year. It's always a good goal.

There's plenty of more stuff to accomplish, but hey, I can just play by ear.

Ohh, and somewhere in there, I gotta throw myself a boyfriend.
I always wanted one of those.

Now, go read some other people's resolution.