Amicable all by myself

I stand here, outside all clicks.

How do I manage this? I'm friendly, people that know me have nothing but good things to say about me, yet, I don't seem to have many (any) friends.

Again, it all depends on how you define friend. I have people I know, and would say hi at times, and if they saw me they would wave. I have those. They are nice people, and I like them. Some are listed in various friend networks I have online, and so on. I've hanged out with them a time or two. I've even got people on my cell phone, and I've called them in the past. So, in theory, they are all friends. Yet, I feel I don't really have them.

Is it that I don't try to mingle too much? Is it because of my schedule? Is it because of common interests? Is it because they are all busy? Is it because I just never made much of an effort?

It's all those things to a point really. The first being the amount of effort I put into things. I try to keep my friends, and I do indeed keep them to some level. Just not to a very close point.

Do I have a fear of having close friends? I don't know, I would like to think not.

I guess I just seem rather transparent most of the times. I don't seem really there. Which is why I'm not really considered most of the times. In the past I have said no a little bit more than yes to the (very few) times I was invited somewhere. Granted, a lot of times it was scheduling conflicts, or me just being a muck and feeling inadequate about going, even though I would probably have liked it.

As I mentioned before, I don't feel lonelly, in a sense of not having a significang other. That is something superfluous to most things. What I do feel at times, is my high degree of transparency. I'm by myself pretty much all the time. I could go places, but it feels odd. I do go with my sister every so often or wal-mart or such, but that's about that.

I've gone shopping, or to the mall by myself, it feels lonely. I've ate out by myself a decent amount of times, it's a rather empty experience. I've walked downtown, and visited places by myself. It was interesting to see the sights, but again, it just felt mute. I do like to people watch, and sometimes I love to spend some time by myself, but not all the time.

I've hanged out with groups. For example, the alliance (school group) was great. People were friendly, we had activities planned out and all. Problem is, this semester, I just can't attend anything because of work. Also, I've met a decent amount of good people @ Rampway. Although there, it now feels empty and out of place. I sit down, and the only thing I get asked, is when I will be writing an article. I haven't been to the office, since there's no place for me there anymore I guess.

Work is just work, the people there are just people. I get to know them, I talk to them at times, but still, everything revolves around work. Granted, I've been invited to a place or two, but at times, I just didn't click into place.

It sucks really, but what can I do. It's something that seems outside my scope.

Well, now that I pretty much trashed my own sense of inner worth, and a lot of other things, I'm going to end this entry, since it's starting to hurt. (This kinds of entries always do)