March 2005 Archives

Ohh boy, yesterday (the segway into this moment which is the day after) is a very interesting one.

I come back to work, all good, then, oddly, my breathing is weird. Ok, it has happened before, but now my leg is not as responsive. I think it's just the casual limp, try to lift the leg, and it doesn't obey. I walk a bit more, make a joke about my legs not working, and then fall into the floor.

So, there I was, fallen into the floor, weak, dizzy, warm, tingly, crying rivers. I try to lift myself, but just slump back down. I semi-vomit, there is no strong pain, but I'm completelly fallen apart.

So now there's a scene. I'm laying in the floor, with all this weird things happening to me, on top of twiching, a bunch. They call 911. I start getting better, it's a few minutes later. They paramedics were nice, but wished I would shut up, well at least one did, because I kept talking. I was still getting back into my senses in the ride to the hospital.

I stabilized. I then waited a bit, they did numerous bloodwork, EKG, and were constantly monitoring me, and seeing if I had balance, strenght in the limbs, and various rests to see my reflexes and nervous systems. Everything comes back ok. Ohh, and the pneumonia cleared up decently, they did another X-ray and it showed that.

So now, I've colapsed, and there is no asnwer why it happened. The doctors discussed that it might be a reaction to my Antibiotics (Biaxin), it might have been something I ate, or a weird inbalance of things like potassium and such in the system. They said it's also my body showing that it's still recoving from pneumonia. It might be related to my nervous system, or due to stress. It might be a mix.

I gotta say. The losing feeling in the leg, and going down was the weirdest feeling in the world. I had no control over things, and had people around me, all with a slight look of panic in their faces. It's something that's not going to go away. Three managers, and a bunch of staff all around me, watching me in such a poor state.

It sure was an experience, that I hope to never ever have to deal with again.

So, I finally went to the doctors today.

Well, it was the ER, which means, add 5 hours to normal time.

Anywho, The took a x-ray of my lung, and found out I had pneumonia. The contageous kind. As soon as the results got back I had to put a mask on, since every time I caughed, I had the risk of infection people. I wasn't really pleased with it all the least bit.

They gave my a Tuberculosis test, which is an annoying pointy needle injected under the skin, and then later, they look at the area, and depending on the reaction, they see if it is positive or negative.

Also, I can't go to school or work for the next 3 days. They were originally going to do a week, but I asked them to let my doctor re-evaluate my situation on wednesday, and see if I need the rest of the week. I really really hate not going to school, and it annoys me that I cannot work. Still, that's what she said. Also, because of my nice pain medice, they don't want me to drive or do anything in the kind of arena.

Bleargh!!!

PS: I looked at the x-ray, there was a big white area in my right lung, and they said that is where the infection was.

Oy, I had a break. I didn't do much of what I needed to do, but I digress. I had time to rest, and unwind a bit, granted I would be ever so happy with another week.

What I have learned, is that time is not really an issue for me. I had all this time, yet I managed to accomplish even less than I would in a normal week.

The problem here, is my drive to do those things. If I don't feel like at the time, and I don't apply myself, things simply don't get done. It's not complicated to understand at all, but the problem is getting over this hurdle. I did have time that I sat down, and studied decently well. Granted, as I always mention, home is a terrible terrible enviroment for me to study on. There's distractions aboud, and little things that keep interrupting the flow of me studying.

When I am at school, I sit down, and pretty much don't have to worry about much. Aside from taking a water/bathroom break, there's nothing else that will take my focus away from the books. Well, aside from the other people in the room acting like dorks, but that doesn't happen often, and I can just get back to studying seconds later.

Anywho, if I manage to solve this problem, I unlock the key to study heaven.

It's really hard to cut down on distractions. There's my computer, general things in my room, my constant yearning to not actually study, family members, my curiosity, bills and the sort, along other various little factors that all add up to me not doing what I was supposed to be doing in the first place.

I can identify everything without a problem, now, I gotta start cutting it down. I pretty much have to enter the dark ages per se. Gotta get a whole lot of boring around me, and fill all that boring with studying.

Let's see, when I get home, I study. I usually get food, and the creates a great little excuse for watching TV. Everyone knows that TV has that secret ability to lock people in, and not let them go until the show is finished. In my case, another round of the show comes after the show finished, and since they do show a little tidbit of what is about to happen, I just end up sitting down, and watching how it ends.

There's other things too. One is my wonderful computer distractions. I start by checking e-mail, then I click a link or two, check who's online, and so on. As the internet is ever so fascinating, a link catches me, or just a blast from the past, and I sit on the computer, browsing, and researching a multitude of things, until the wee hours of the night. Yes, is very leasurelly, but it takes away all my time.

I do have to add the other thing in the computer, that one that is sinfully good. It goes by the name of porn. Yes, it's there, and it's not very helpful either. Not to say it's bad, or wrong, because it isn't, but it's not constructive. Anywho, porn distracting, and we are moving on...

Now, there's a piece to the puzzle, which is just hard to eliminate. I shall call that random interruptions, and distractions. It's a call here, or a question there, or a nagging little task that has to be done. All those little things that change the way things are going. I had a whole bunch of those this week. I went to get a post-it, then my sister was playing with the dog, and called me. I went to look, and I notice that her computer had a notice, so I cleared it up, and looked up what was wrong, and so on, and I was there for far too long. Also, it happened when I just went to look something up on my computer. I came up with the bright idea of checking to see if the motherboard had an update. I ended up dowloading that, it put my computer out of commission, and I could not get away until my computer was right back in shape. That took a little over an hour.

I love the fact I am curious about things, and that I take all this little tangents that lead me here and there, the only problem is, there's sooo many of them, and I just get lost, and end up losing track of things. I need to put myself in track as I said before, but this time I am relating it to something concrete. I am talking about not veering of a path and ending up lost. It unfortunatelly requires a change in the way I do things, and the way I think about things, because it's so commonplace for me to do so, and I need to alter that.

I also need to alter my lack of interesting in studying. I need to get interested again. I know that I have to study, and what to study, that's exremelly obvious to me. The only problem is getting myself to actually study. There's so many other things that are far more interesting at times, but I need to invest the time in it. I know exactly what happens when I don't. I get grades like D in tests. I'm not very keen of getting anything below a B. I would prefer an A, but so would everyone else. I do strive for them, and with plenty of investing in studying an A should be just as easy to reach as a B.

Well, there's a lot to be done, and I should get right started. Again, how do I get myself started if starting is a problem. That's a wonderful question, that I shall ponder about, and do something about as soon as I can.

Now, lemme say something that I've said before, but this time I mean extra strongly.

"From this point on, I will do everything possible, and impossibly to improve myself, and accomplish the goals I have outline. There's nothing, and I mean nothing that will keep me from doing that."

See, that's quite a stament, and it's quite a challange. I'm up for it, and I will do it. As always, I will update here how things are moving along, and what I have accomplished. My journal is a wonderufl tool for reflection what I have done, and how things are progressing. So I shall use it to it's fullest.

Now, with a wish of luck, and pounds of determination, I'll get there.

So, indeed, I'm feeling much better right now.

I had a chance to break down a bit, and recompose myself. I got things in line again, and that's good.

Ahh yes, I do have to mention that my sister got a little yorky for her birthday. She was very happy about and it's all wonderful. Her name is Nohla, granted the spelling is still in debate. She's feisty, and loves to bite things and drag them around. She's also loves to chew. The next few months are sure going to be interesting.

She's so small, she's almost been stepped on more than a few times. It's so cute how she goes for the adult dogs food, since it's bigger and crunchier. Her food is tiny, but it's made for growing puppites, so we are tring to get her to just eat that.

Rip got neutered. Finally I say. It was more incedental than anything. He had heart worms, and we had to get that done, and since he was going to be sleeping during the primary treatment (lots of injections) they just asked us if we wanted to bundle it in. It's amusing how it all worked out. Well, everything but the $$$$$$ part of it.

I gots to upload pics of the doggies, since now we have a new one.

So, how was vacation so far. Hmm, let's see, it's been mildly awful. There's so much to do, and I can't do anything. i can sure run errands, but with things like schoolwork, and the kind, I haven't been able to touch it. I just get that awful little feeling in my head, and just can't seem to complete, or ever start anything related to such tasks.

I don't really think I've relaxed at all. I'm just zombified by different tasks. TV seems to captivate me, and I sit there, just glaring at it, for hours, it's quite intersting. My brain feels completelly blown. I'm more tired than ever, I don't have a drive to do anything, and I've managed to gain weight. Yep, the scale has gone up and up. Not to a bad place, but I don't like gaining weight to start with.

It seems that without my usual structure, and things flowing a certain way, that I've just fallen apart a bit. Granted, I was starting to do that anyways. School, bleah, can't focus on it, and haven't been able to. Work, that's a joke. I was completelly acting silly, and utterly random. I managed to be slower than ever, make silly little mistakes by the pound, and other things. I don't know, I just seem to be breaking down, slowly. It's amusing at times. I feel quite out of it.

A little bit ago, I was laying on the floor, just thinking nothing. I was thinking of a bunch of things to do, and as always, it's been quite overwhelming. Again, I'm always happy that I'm not a suicidal person.

It's annyoing to try chaning hundreds of time, and end up in similar situations again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Yep, just keep falling into it.

Yes, then after the fact, I ponder some more. Why didn't I do this and that, and how much that inpacts me. So, I have a wave of ugh and bad, before it. Then, during the time, there's some more ugh and bad, and after it, there's more ugh and bad.

Yep, it just cycles back and forth between it all.

I'm going to slowly get a grip on things, like I usually do, yet, it's just the fact that its going on that is annoying the hell out of me.

Hmm, time to put a smile on, and move ahead. Or at least I'll say that, because it sounds better than saying other things.

It's that time again to change, or else, I might as well not exist. It needs to be 1000% drastic this time. Those are the good kinds. *grins*

So, I got a week off work. I could call it a vacation, since it's theoretically one.

It's a bit of time for me, to get sane again. School hammered me decently bad. There was no damage really, but it sure was painful.

Now, I get time to heal. It's nice to be able to take time off. Although, the days will pass fast, but that's ok.

I get away from work a bit, all the stress, and all the worries. Granted, it burdens me a bit that my coworkers will absorb a bit of it from what I won't be there to do. Kinda sucky, but what can I do right? Not take a vacation? Naw, I frankly don't think so.

Anywho, I plan on doing some studying. Well, actually I plan to do a lot of that. I gotta say it will take a huge amount of dicipline to just sit down and study. Then again, maybe I'll go to a park, sit in a bench, and study there. That seems to calm me to a point of excellent focus. It's weird how some places just bring that on.

I do plan on doing at least one "vacationy" kinda thing, granted I haven't figured it out yet. If I could afford a spa, I would have a whole day treatment. I'll recreate that in my personal way *grins.*

Apparently I'm also going to the tanning salon. Those are the wish of mom and sis. Well, I kinda wanna go to, since I've been looking rather pale (or comparativelly ghostly) latelly.

Gotta see what to do. If anyone has interesting ideas, I'll take them into consideration. (Granted, most people won't really ever reach this paragraph. :-p)

Anywho, I think I had enough Stargate Atlantis, and need some ZzzzZZzz. I can have a whole bag of them now, it's like a limitless supply of ZZzzs. They are the shiny sparkly ones too. The best there is.