Backlash Realized

With my great ideas, and my ambitious plans, comes the internal backlash agaist it. The great tool of undoing, that's somehow built-in into my psyche. It's something I repeatedly attempt to overcome, each time getting further, but I have not yet beat it.

The built-in global deharmonizer, and attention dissipation machine.

I have managed to completelly lose focus on all the things I planned. Everything is a wonderful distraction, and when i am done with one thing, I directly jump to something ese that will equally drain all my time as quickly as possible.

The chapters of homework pile up, and when things do that, I panic, which gets me even farther from doing it. It's like climbing a mountain when I could have climbed a hill.

I have also managed to gain weight. I am currently at 179 pounds. My true upper goal, that I do not ever want to pass is 180. I can pass it with muscle mass, but not with anything else, because otherwise it simply means I am getting fat.

A lot of my little side projects have complatelly faded. All my energy dissipated.

I really do not know what to do. As always, I have plans to bring everything back to a cohesive nature, but that takes even more effort and focus to start with. It's like a vicious cycle, because I can't motivate myself to be motivated without having any motivation to start with.

I still see myself in a great light. I am currently very happy too, and hang around some wonderful people. I'm having a wonderful time, and doing many things that are interesting.

The only problem is, that at the back of my head, is my primoridial duties, just nagging, and slowly eating me alive, and completelly taking over and disrupting the flow of my thoughts, and all the I hope to achieve.

Again, I say, that I have to manage to get started, and moving, so I can set everything else along the line in motion, and beat this inane habit, and pattern that tears holes in my future.

I wish myself good luck, and I will probably have to come up with a harsh plan, where I act as my own disciplinary unit. But again, I am only one person, not two, so all my other rational parts all make up a single decision, regardless of how much I want to just have one thing rule all.

Again, I will try, and that's what I can do, keep trying, until I get it right.

It's already a rough ride, and I just gotta get over all the bumps unil the ground clears.