March 2008 Archives
Every once in a while, I sit, and re-evaluate myself.
I've been doing it during the past few weeks. I have done this before, and usually on the end of the evaluation period, I come up with a plan, or a list of goals that I should follow to achieve, or change whatever it is that I don't like. I usually give a date range in time to change those things. Sometimes, I go for something more makeshift, and just declare that I will get things done in time, and so on.
Have either one of those plans worked very well? No, to be honest, they have not. I am still in the process of figuring out what sabotages my view of change. Granted, I start to see, that I want to become something new, instead of getting what I have, and using it to it's fullest potential. I sometimes forget to look at what makes me the person I am.
Yes, usually in that insight, I see all that I want to change. Again, often wanting something new. Sitting, and wishing for a new and improved Marcio to pop out of the woodwork, and be everything that I am dreaming off. It has not quite happened yet.
I have during the past few weeks started to get tools to explore more of myself, to find out, what do I really want to become. Seeing the makeshift optimal version of myself is great, but is it really optimal?
I tend to go with the flow, but sometimes the flow carries me where I don't really want to go. Yes, it is a logical progression of the flow, but sometimes I wish I had veered in a different path. I am often dragged by the means of indecision and idleness. Often my indecision leads to inaction. I don't make the "wrong" decision, but sometimes making no decision at all is worse.
So, again, I sit wondering what path to take, and how to take it. The problem is, I keep sitting, and wondering that many times. I sit until the path I might have taken washes out, and I take the path that is left.
Many times, I have wanted to explore myself fully, but instead, made do with what I have developed so far. Yes, I progressed forward, and accomplished things, but I did not fulfill some inner desires I had.
A while ago, many of the venues I had enjoyed dried up. I don't quite now why, but it did happen. I guess I ignored myself in some areas of myself, and just flowed.
I am now in California, sitting here, and wondering what is going to happen. There is much to be done. I now have a place that I feel comfortable in, and that I feel I can explore the forgotten parts of myself.
I had time lines created in my mind. Mostly relating to fitness, and my eating habits. They are some of the things that are gnawing at my insides. Well, not literally gnawing, otherwise I would have lost some weight by now, but still.
I had Yoga planned, and delicious yet healthy meals that I cook, in the early mornings. I know I am capable of doing that, with focus. I still should do something that I know I will be able to stick it.
Back on the exploration side, I bought some items that will help more with the artistic view of myself. One of my buys, is of course my "tablet." This gives me a more precise analog input method into the computer. However, I also bought pencils and paper.
Tools, tools and tools. I am getting many tools. I feel I should use them, and I do have to use them. I don't want it packed up in another area.
Ohh, the computer, such a great tool, and also a wonderful machine of derailment. It brings me wonderful research in all I want to do, and it also just sits there, acting as a black hole of time and attention. I do have an idea that I don't overtly like, and that I just came up with. This would be some "No computer time."
This is time that I am not allowed to come near the computer. I do note that drawing on the tablet will be an exception, but this is after getting some ideas hashed out on paper. This is a great, wonderful idea that I am now not very fond of.
Ok, this will be what I will do. I already don't have a TV, because that was distracting. Now, I will be giving myself some time to think, explore, and expand my mind. I imagine that will make me happy. However, I do plan on hating it for about five minutes, until I figure out, that there is so much more to myself.
Ohh my my my.
I was just reading through some other parts of my site, and saw that I have a sea of spelling errors. Yes, they are mostly remnants of times where I wanted to create/update something quickly.
Still, it brings up the point, that a few things need to be refreshed... a lot.
Also, I didn't quite realize that my photo gallery had become a comment cesspool. I don't really track comments on it, but not my comments are in the thousands... Yes, they are all spam comments.
This makes me want to simply migrate my gallery into another service. Yes, I like keeping it on my server, but sometimes options such as flickr can be a better idea. I am not quite sure yet what I am going to do about it. I do have the server space, and the bandwidth, but sometimes it is not all about that.
We shall see...
And she won't let go.
Arrived from amazon.com today. :)
Indeed
It's a sex toy party!
Is hot dogs!
First item cooked in my new place.
First item cooked in my new place.
I am essentially all moved in. Now all that was on my car, is at home. My big ol' monitors are sitting here. My bed is inflated on the floor, and my desk while still apart, is right there.
This has been a nice change. In time everything will look just how I want it to, and I will be at home again. :)
This has been a nice change. In time everything will look just how I want it to, and I will be at home again. :)
I was downstairs eating, and was very easly distracted by all the guys. It must be the fact spring is coming.
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